On the other side of things, you could be breaking up a fist fight in the hallway. Some kid that you don't know could cry because they miss their mom. You could get puked on. You could be engaged in a fruitless power struggle with a snarky high school senior. The teacher could forget to leave plans on the desk. You could set off the fire alarm with your bagel. An eight year old could sharpen pencils until her hands blister and bleed because she is trying to be "helpful ." The kids could start a game of "Nerf War" in the classroom. The disasters are innumerable...( btw, all of the above have actually happened to me)
You must be prepared for anything... like a boy scout.
If you really think about it, any job can feel like a drag if you have the wrong outlook. If your job is something ridiculously fun like tasting ice cream for a living.. you could complain about the calories and your sensitive teeth. I choose to emphasize the positive and minimize the negative. Pollyanna, spoonful of sugar.. etc.
Fellow substitute teachers: if you have trouble with this, I have a step by step "mental coaching" guide to your day. This will hopefully help you make the transition from a sad, depressed, and emotionally fragile basket case to a calm, confident and fun filled inspiring life -changer. Like Julie-freakin-Andrews.
Today my friend... YOU are Julie Andrews. Children love you. You teach them how to be fantastic and productive human beings. Fun, adventure, charm, and the quest for knowledge OOZE from your every pore. Today is a challenge, and you are going to lead those precious children through the mountains across the Swiss border to academic excellence. Julie. Freakin'. Andrews.
To be successful in your quest towards becoming JFA today, follow the mental exercises below in numerical order.
1.Morning.
Reality : The phone rings. One eye opens. You hate it. You think about throwing it. You regret your ringtone. You ponder for 5 seconds about the point of it all. You climb out of bed like the girl from The Ring climbs out of the well. your fingers don't work yet, You croak out a BS cheerful "hello" The speaker replies: "Hi this is Connie from blah, blah, blah school district. We were just wondering if you could Sub today for Mr. or Ms So and somebody in randomly selected grade." you pause.. and then reply with an unconvincing "Yes yes of course!" then hang up the phone and proceed to hate innocent people and inanimate objects until an adequate amount of coffee has hit your bloodstream.
New mental perspective: The phone rings. In your mind, your emblem(take a moment now to choose your emblem) is emblazoned in the sky like the bat-signal. You spring out of bed and answer before the first ring. You are Wonder Woman, you are James Bond. The children are in need, dammit, and YOU will save the day.
Secretary: We need you.. the day is counting on you.I don't know how to tell you this, but the flu got the best of our second grade teacher."
You: " I understand (dramatic pause) tell me how I can help"
Secretary: " Report here.. "7.25.... you are going to need a visitor's pass"
You: 10-4.
After the message self-destructs, you've got to gear up. Now strap on your gear, grab your (figurative) golden lasso and (metaphorical) Q branch issued spy gun, and go jump in your Bat Mobile (Honda).
2. Commute:
Reality: You scrape snow off your car, you forget your coffee and/or lunch on the table. You are cold. you curse winter. Snow is in your shoe. You regret your wardrobe choice.
New mental perspective: Your journey commences. Make sure your music in the car makes you ready for battle. I suggest the theme from Rocky or that song from the Sound of Music that she sings before she meets the kids. Swing your teacher bag and lunch around and belt it out like Julie with the guitar case.
3. Introduction to children:
Reality: You write your name on the board. you explain the rules. The children non-verbally communicate their indifferent feelings towards you. You feel awkward. You pass out the morning warm up and say the pledge.
New mental perspective: The children found you fascinating, you are part role-model, part celebrity. Like a guest star on a popular TV show. A break, a vacation, from the monotonous everyday, if you will . They both understand and respect your rules. You rock. You challenge them. Go ahead teacher, fist pump in the air on the way to the faculty room if you want to. Drink that coffee.. work it.
3. Instructional time:
Reality: The kids resist you. Why should they listen to a stranger? You explain the assignment as best you can. You try your best to be entertaining and put some passion and meaning into the lesson. This is especially challenging considering you had about 7 minutes to read through the plans and familiarize yourself with something that hasn't crossed your path in years. Fun topics like regrouping when subtracting mixed numbers, the official terms for the bones in the human body, or the misfortune of Magellan or Henry Hudson. All of the sudden you are trying to gently explain to a particularly sensitive nine year old how Hudson's crew left him to starve to death on the ice as her eyes glaze over with tears.
New mental perspective: You connect it to their lives, you explain things in a way they understand. You are on the alps, and the children gather 'round your guitar as you "Start at the very beginning." You have a few hours to leave an impact. You are like Meryl Streep in that violin teacher movie: firm but influential.
You mean business. Keep up your good work and a fellow faculty member or administrator may wipe a misty tear from his eye when he looks at you and says " You brought music back into this house... "
This is your puppet show, Julie.
4.The Unexpected Possible Conflict:
Reality: A kid is bullied. There is middle school drama. Bodily fluids. Temper tantrums. You might have to artfully dodge the subject of how the high school kids think that the new teacher is your potential soul-mate and future husband.The kids finish their assignment in the first ten minutes of a 50 minute period. Anarchy ensues. Oh, fun.
New mental perspective: Forces of evil are at work in this place. You must resist these forces and defend the innocent children that may suffer. You are a Jedi fighting The Dark Side. Shine with your radiant beams of positive light! Imagine you are in a comic book or in the old Batman TV show from the fifties. Word bubbles pop out above your head as you battle evil throughout the course of the day. (Encourage! Dissolve Conflict! Soothe! Establish Collaborative Work Environment! Inspire! Boost Self-esteem ! ) You must embrace conflict with determination and innovation. According to the Sound of Music and Gone with the Wind if things get really desperate there is a fair chance that you will have to make a dress out of curtains. Creative problem solving! Professional initiative! Not only can you do it, you will tackle these problems as you exude awesomeness from your very fingertips.
The bell rings. The mission is over.
Now walk out to that parking lot like a rock star. Tomorrow is another chance to sparkle, Miss Teacher.
That is all I have so far. I hope you got something from reading this, even if it is only the realization that I watch too many movies. Teachers: I hope that you feel better about the daily challenges that a substitute must face. In the very least, I hope that you will smile next time you work, thinking of my weirdness. Non-teachers: appreciate your teacher friends and loved ones. Buy them chocolate. Give them love.
Fellow substitute teachers: if you have trouble with this, I have a step by step "mental coaching" guide to your day. This will hopefully help you make the transition from a sad, depressed, and emotionally fragile basket case to a calm, confident and fun filled inspiring life -changer. Like Julie-freakin-Andrews.
Today my friend... YOU are Julie Andrews. Children love you. You teach them how to be fantastic and productive human beings. Fun, adventure, charm, and the quest for knowledge OOZE from your every pore. Today is a challenge, and you are going to lead those precious children through the mountains across the Swiss border to academic excellence. Julie. Freakin'. Andrews.
 |
To be successful in your quest towards becoming JFA today, follow the mental exercises below in numerical order.
1.Morning.
Reality : The phone rings. One eye opens. You hate it. You think about throwing it. You regret your ringtone. You ponder for 5 seconds about the point of it all. You climb out of bed like the girl from The Ring climbs out of the well. your fingers don't work yet, You croak out a BS cheerful "hello" The speaker replies: "Hi this is Connie from blah, blah, blah school district. We were just wondering if you could Sub today for Mr. or Ms So and somebody in randomly selected grade." you pause.. and then reply with an unconvincing "Yes yes of course!" then hang up the phone and proceed to hate innocent people and inanimate objects until an adequate amount of coffee has hit your bloodstream.
 |
| You at 5:03 am |
Secretary: We need you.. the day is counting on you.I don't know how to tell you this, but the flu got the best of our second grade teacher."
You: " I understand (dramatic pause) tell me how I can help"
Secretary: " Report here.. "7.25.... you are going to need a visitor's pass"
You: 10-4.
After the message self-destructs, you've got to gear up. Now strap on your gear, grab your (figurative) golden lasso and (metaphorical) Q branch issued spy gun, and go jump in your Bat Mobile (Honda).
 |
| The NEW 5:03 am |
2. Commute:
Reality: You scrape snow off your car, you forget your coffee and/or lunch on the table. You are cold. you curse winter. Snow is in your shoe. You regret your wardrobe choice.
New mental perspective: Your journey commences. Make sure your music in the car makes you ready for battle. I suggest the theme from Rocky or that song from the Sound of Music that she sings before she meets the kids. Swing your teacher bag and lunch around and belt it out like Julie with the guitar case.
3. Introduction to children:
Reality: You write your name on the board. you explain the rules. The children non-verbally communicate their indifferent feelings towards you. You feel awkward. You pass out the morning warm up and say the pledge.
New mental perspective: The children found you fascinating, you are part role-model, part celebrity. Like a guest star on a popular TV show. A break, a vacation, from the monotonous everyday, if you will . They both understand and respect your rules. You rock. You challenge them. Go ahead teacher, fist pump in the air on the way to the faculty room if you want to. Drink that coffee.. work it.
3. Instructional time:
Reality: The kids resist you. Why should they listen to a stranger? You explain the assignment as best you can. You try your best to be entertaining and put some passion and meaning into the lesson. This is especially challenging considering you had about 7 minutes to read through the plans and familiarize yourself with something that hasn't crossed your path in years. Fun topics like regrouping when subtracting mixed numbers, the official terms for the bones in the human body, or the misfortune of Magellan or Henry Hudson. All of the sudden you are trying to gently explain to a particularly sensitive nine year old how Hudson's crew left him to starve to death on the ice as her eyes glaze over with tears.
New mental perspective: You connect it to their lives, you explain things in a way they understand. You are on the alps, and the children gather 'round your guitar as you "Start at the very beginning." You have a few hours to leave an impact. You are like Meryl Streep in that violin teacher movie: firm but influential.
You mean business. Keep up your good work and a fellow faculty member or administrator may wipe a misty tear from his eye when he looks at you and says " You brought music back into this house... "
This is your puppet show, Julie.
 |
| They didn't know how to sing before you came. |
4.The Unexpected Possible Conflict:
Reality: A kid is bullied. There is middle school drama. Bodily fluids. Temper tantrums. You might have to artfully dodge the subject of how the high school kids think that the new teacher is your potential soul-mate and future husband.The kids finish their assignment in the first ten minutes of a 50 minute period. Anarchy ensues. Oh, fun.
New mental perspective: Forces of evil are at work in this place. You must resist these forces and defend the innocent children that may suffer. You are a Jedi fighting The Dark Side. Shine with your radiant beams of positive light! Imagine you are in a comic book or in the old Batman TV show from the fifties. Word bubbles pop out above your head as you battle evil throughout the course of the day. (Encourage! Dissolve Conflict! Soothe! Establish Collaborative Work Environment! Inspire! Boost Self-esteem ! ) You must embrace conflict with determination and innovation. According to the Sound of Music and Gone with the Wind if things get really desperate there is a fair chance that you will have to make a dress out of curtains. Creative problem solving! Professional initiative! Not only can you do it, you will tackle these problems as you exude awesomeness from your very fingertips.
Now walk out to that parking lot like a rock star. Tomorrow is another chance to sparkle, Miss Teacher.
That is all I have so far. I hope you got something from reading this, even if it is only the realization that I watch too many movies. Teachers: I hope that you feel better about the daily challenges that a substitute must face. In the very least, I hope that you will smile next time you work, thinking of my weirdness. Non-teachers: appreciate your teacher friends and loved ones. Buy them chocolate. Give them love.
