Dear Big Al,

( Here is a letter /tribute to my baby sister on her graduation day.I also mean for it to apply to all of her friends that will graduate college this month who I love like my own sisters.Minda, Ashley,Melmo...etc... oh and please forgive the sappy cheesetastic-ness )

Dear Big Al,

     The first thing that you should know is that you are an amazing person. So many people love you more than words can express, me especially. You are part of what makes my life amazing. You make me feel happy and loved and special, and one of my favorite things is to give that right back to you. You are strange,beautiful, funny and spirited. You are a blessing and a gift. Everyone is so proud of you today,

     Secondly, that cheap polyester gown and hood means something. You worked for this. You lost sleep, you didn't eat anything except almonds and wheat thins. Your freakish dedication and over-studying concerned your parents and sisters. You consistently rejected our phone calls because you lived in the library, and we pretended not to be offended. You had no money.You mooched free dinners off of us, made our cars run out of gas, and consistently stole my earrings.You moved far away for a little and had to deal with a crap-ton of snow. You always had multiple jobs and a packed schedule.It sucked sometimes... and we desperately wished that you would let us help you. But you are frustratingly independent, and you achieved it all on your own.

     You also had some wonderful experiences and grew up so much. My favorite part was watching  you enchant and dazzle new groups of people with your amazing personality. Everyone that you meet ends up amused by you, even the bellhops at the Ritz.  People fell in love with you, and those relationships will mean something later in life.

You are doing something today that not many people can pull off. It may not feel that way as you sit in a huge crowd of twenty-somethings, wearing the same color as you, achieving the same thing.  It really does. I mean it... I actually looked up statistics and stuff. Less than 50 percent of people that start college actually finish. You are so intelligent and passionate about the things that you have learned.  Don't diminish the amazing achievement of today. You earned it.

     Now for the future: the thing that I want you to remember most is to forgive and love yourself. You have so many things to learn as you become a real grown up. You will make mistakes. You could hurt someone, or let yourself be hurt.You might buy the wrong car, choose the wrong job or be late on a payment of something. It's really OK. I know you are scared of the mistakes that you haven't made yet, and the things that you think you will never achieve.

Me too.
Everyone is.
   
     Remember what I said about your ambition? I know you want wonderful things out of life. You want to make big decisions.You want a sophisticated job with a matching wardrobe. You want to blaze new trails,and live in a big city. Your big ideas and "life plans" change all the time, and we all love that about you. The hardest thing that you will have to learn is how to balance your ambition with your gratefulness, and how to let go of your plan and accept God's plan . If you don't get everything, you haven't failed; your story has just changed a little.

I know that you know this.. but you forget sometimes.

Also, call us, text us and hang out with us constantly. You are not a burden, even when you are being really annoying. We know that your tendency to overwork yourself leaves you with limited open schedule space. We will make it work, because we really DO love you. We are here to support you through every step of the way. Your family and friends are a gift. Don't forget this.

One more thing. As you become a grown-up, please don't become a total grown up. I hope you still sing in inappropriate social situations and clear the  floor with your sweet dance moves. I hope you continue to text shocking and hilarious things to our mother. Keep stealing my clothes, even when you inevitably make more money than me. Don't grow out of that feminism that causes you to tell off men with harsh honesty and put them in their place. Please don't stop wearing 5 inch heels  and overdressing for most occasions. Please keep making sales people and waitresses your best friends. You are you. Don't let the pressure of adulthood beat that out of you.

I know it's cheesy of me to say that you have your whole life ahead of you, but you do,

And it's going to be an amazing one.

Happy Graduation Al,

- Love always,
Ange  

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T.V. Really Does Rot Your Brain.

So... I'm completely addicted to watching TV on my computer.
This occurred through a series of unavoidable events.

Please allow me a moment to explain myself.

 Earlier this fall I had a collection of ancient Macintosh computers that with their combined deficiencies, almost equaled one functioning computer. I remember dragging all three computers into a resale computer store in the Southside, where I was severely judged by an employee, who was a computer genius hipster wearing toms.

Me: So these are my computers. I was wondering if maybe I could sell all three and buy one that works.
The Genius: Ok, um, so whats wrong with them?
Me: Which one?
The Genius: How about the laptop?
Me: Ok.. the macbook laptop was purchased in 2006. It has amnesia.
The Genius: What?
Me:  Uh Amnesia? Or Alzheimer's I guess.  like its losing it's memory? It says the start up disk is full, and it's out of memory, which is false because I don't have any files on the computer. Its lost and confused. The light in the screen went out too, so you can see the screen only if you shine a flashlight through the apple.
The Genius: Through the apple...? (judgemental pause) oh. OK what about this one:
Me: oh... the desktop is from 2004 ish? It is operating on an old system so it won't download basic computer functioning things like Firefox or Adobe flash player. And the power-on button is broken too. It only works if you pray to Jesus first and push it the right way. It usually takes about 15-20 tries to get it to power on.
The Genius: Right... and the third one?
Me: That  ibook laptop is from forever ago. It weighs about the same as a human infant. It has the same problem of not being able to download things, and the wireless card is broken so it doesn't get the internet. The  speakers are also broken and every time you turn it on,  the clock resets itself to December 31st, 1969 which "May cause some applications to behave erratically". I'm pretty sure it's a time machine.

The Genius: [turning on laptop] It's called Mr Bixley?  What or who is Lola?

Me:[turning red] Um... so...Mr Bixley is my laptop's name? The external hard drive is Lola but.. um I lost her, I mean it's power cord...

The Genius:  ................

RIP Mr. Bixley the first.  This is him in my apartment in Italy.   

So then I bought a computer,  and promptly named him Mr. Bixley II. Not from that guy.... he was unhelpful. I still have all three of those electronic treasures in my apartment if anyone wants to pay me any amount of money for them.. really... any amount of money.

 No.. I got a Black Friday deal. Its cute, little, and runs on Windows 8, Which is very pretty, but I haven't figured it out yet. The one thing that I have figured out is how to run the Netflix and Hulu apps. Which brings me to my next point.

When you work 40-60 hours a week,but make no money.. Netflix and Hulu seems like a logical way to spend your time. I was too poor to afford cable in my last two apartments, and I didn't have a computer... so I basically have not watched TV for two years. this had led to a 6 month obsession where my mind wanders into these fictional lives of fictional people.

I mostly blame Mary and Sam for this. "They made me do it, they told me that the cool kids were doing it. I had no choice! It was peer pressure"

Lets review:

2 years without computer
+ 2 years without cable
+ novelty of new computer
+ two and a halfish jobs
+ exhausted Andrea
+ no money
+ emotion
+ memory foam bed
+ a stupid winter
+ the evil "next episode" button

= a perfect storm for multiple Netflix addictions.

Due to my inquisitive nature and overactive imagination... I end up thinking about these TV shows during my daily life.. and It's been seriously affecting my brain. I actually think these things all day long. I'm having a hard time deciding what is real

.......anyway...

Below I have listed some of my musings categorized by TV show. .

Revenge
1. I now trust no one. Everyone is a suspect. Especially significant others and immediate family members.
2. Note to self: take self defense classes in case anyone tries to frame my family for murdering hundreds of people.
3. Something that is very, very, wrong with my life: I do not have enough reasons to wear an evening gown.
4. So where exactly do you find a cold, calculating, billionaire Japanese ninja to advise you in your plan for revenge? Classifieds? Attractive twenty something female seeks Asian mastermind to aid and assure success in emotionally-charged evil scheme. And when did she become fluent in Japanese? How did she get that done while also training to kill and inventing an alias? Overachiever...
5. Have they seriously not figured out that Emily Thorne is Amanda Clark?
6. I wish I had a secret box of secrets hiding in my floorboards, actually I just want to hide anything in my floorboards. Like cash. I would like extra cash to hide in my floorboards.. scratch that..
I just want extra  secret cash.
7. I doubt I'll ever have a valid reason to wear a full body suit with an accompanying  gun and ammo belt. It's just not in the cards for everyone...
8. The Graysons and their perpetual evil plotting remind me of Boris and Natasha, except they are less Russian and more impossibly attractive.
9. The existence of Nolan fuels my already existing jealousy that I do not have the ability to hack through the mainframe of a computer database and override security cameras.

Castle on ABC
1. I will never go jogging in a city park in the morning, be a city garbage man or become a Hispanic housekeeper in a high-rise apartment building.. that is how you will find dead bodies. It's really only a matter of time.
2. Is it still too late to be a detective? Is it an easy transition between elementary teacher and homicide detective... I have a ton of experience in calling people out on lying... except it's usually about homework and not murder.
3. I need a short leather jacket.
4. I want to interrogate someone, but not just anywhere. I need the single light on a string and the one way glass with the grungy exposed brick walls.
5. If you strap a gun to several parts of your body like your ankle or thigh.. isn't it super uncomfortable? how do you run or climb things?
6. I would like to fall in love with a witty, quirky, NYT best selling, crime fighting novelist that is of similar height and loves his family.... and yes I'm aware that that is a very specific request.
7. Could I kick in a door if I tried?... and would it hurt if I rolled across a car or climbed a chain link fence In hot pursuit of a criminal?? Or does adrenaline cancel it out? Do they practice these things in detective school?
8. Isn't phone tracking technology better now? Do we really still have to wait a minute before we know where the call was coming from?
9. Isn't it just SUPER convenient that every murder victim and suspect has an 8x10 glossy photo? How do they get them developed so fast? Do they go to Walgreen's? Is that an intern's job?
10.Serial killers always have a shrine of newspaper clippings and some sort of freakishly impressive artwork,as well as a super creepy phone voice. Are these traits that are included in every serial killer psychological profile?
11. How many precincts actually have that fancy see-through glass touch-screen database?
12. I'd like to see a statistic of how many detectives have famous criminals that target them specifically. It seems like every crime show that I watch has a main character who is constantly in threat from some kind of personal attack from a vicious killer.
13. (Mary and I talk about this all the time) I am deeply saddened that I have chosen a career where I will probably  never have the opportunity to say certain things like:

• "NYPD. DROP YOUR WEAPON."
• "Get this down to ballistics asap." 
• "Zoom in on that image, see if we can make out the liscence plate."
• "The only place that you're going is Central Booking." 
• "Dental records confirmed her as our "Vic"
• "The call was made from a Burner Phone"
• "We can talk to the DA to strike you a deal"
• "That's our murder weapon"
• "You're off the case." 

Glee

1. I have feelings too... and five minutes into watching this I have an overwhelming urge/need to express them through song.
2. Why is there always a new set list for sectionals? When do they rehearse?
3. Where is MY magical band of highly talented musicians who automatically memorize and anticipate  the song I intend to sing in order to express myself? They should be popping up out of nowhere and hanging out in the background and smiling. 
4. Don't these children have classes to attend? When did high school cease to be a place of learning and turn into a personal journey of introspection and  self-discovery?
5. It might be easier to sing my feelings if everyone knew my song and synchronized with my dance moves. Perhaps there is a metaphor in there somewhere? Like the world's a musical but nobody knows my score? Too far? 
6. I just added "participate in an angry mash-up sing-off to solve an argument" to my bucket list.
7. I don't think that my high school had quite this many sexually confused teenagers or fancy technical lighting concepts . Must be an Ohio thing.    
8. Let me just say what we are all thinking. If the Glee club kids had that level of epic skills, there is no way that they would be unpopular. People would present slushies to them in adoration, not throw them in their faces. I just invalidated the whole inspirational  message of the plot. bam. 

The Walking Dead. 

1. I would die.My character would not be central to this plot..Because I would be dead in one of those panic scenes where all the cars are stuck in rows on the highway.I would be a background screamer, or one of those people that won't leave the house in time. It does take me forever to pack.  
2. CANT. STOP... WATCHING. Must. Achieve. Basic. Human. Responsibilities.
3.  (attempts zombie growl........ #nailedit ) 
4.  That woman is wearing makeup in a post apocalyptic society... in Georgia... in the summer. Some theatrical exaggeration or a misplaced sense of priorities has occurred. 
5. Shouldn't they have run out of ammo by now? He only had one bag of guns.. from the FIRST episode. 
6. I am suddenly very concerned about my lack of spatial awareness and upper body strength, as well as my minimal encounters with firearms. 
7. So Gross. SO SO GROSS.
8. Setting it in Georgia so that everyone has Southern accents makes every line in the script sound exceptionally more badass.. nice job AMC 
9. But Seriously...Is that squishy internal organs and human flesh ripping sound effect entirely necessary?
10. Sheriff Rick Is REAL good at looking intensely into the distance when he is faced with an impossible moral dilemma. It's a very rare skill. 
11. In the choice of fight or flight.... I would unfortunately pick the rarely discussed third option: "Freeze,or Mentally check out"
12.  The way that Zombies run in a group is similar to the way I look when I run. Facial expression included. That's sad.
13. Where is Carl? What the heck?  That kid needs a leash.  

There's more where that came from. Don't even get me started on Mad Men or Grey's Anatomy. 

My only hope is that this is just a phase and it will soon pass. 

After all, spring is here.. and enjoying some fresh air is finally a viable option. 

Why everyone wants to punch March in the face.

So  I was driving to work this morning and I was SUPER pumped about spring.  Spring is my favorite time of year. I love flowery trees like dogwoods and cherry blossoms. I talk about how pretty it looks all the time, and I feel like singing. i can be obnoxiously cheerful and I have been told to shut up on more than one occasion.

This is an excellent representation of my mood in late April:

LIFE IS WONDERFUL. 

It's a relief, isn't it? Everything was so brown and colorless for so long. And now we have buds ,daffodils and gorgeous trees that are dripping with soft pink flowers. Admit it... you feel like singing a song too.

 In truth, it is really only late spring that I love.
I actually hate the weather immediately up to now.

Why do I hate early spring... like March? March always sucks. In like a lion, out like a lamb? FALSE.
If only it transitioned that smoothly. It feels more like two weeks of lion, then tiny little lamb-y teasers, mixed with BS SNOW EVERY OTHER DAY.

I'm pretty sure it gets on everybody's nerves.

My thoughts about the weather in March sound like this.:

• hate slush hate hate hate slush. 
• Hail? really?
• 60 degrees today...Do you expect me to be excited about this? How long until you break my heart again? 
• SLEET!!! NO.... don't..... I feel rage. 
• Where is the trust, Kevin Benson from Ch11....  you promised me flip flops by Thursday.This is a broken relationship we have. 
• SO over tights and boots. 
• Where are all of my pretty dresses? OH.. IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET WHERE I WILL NEVER EVER WEAR THEM EVER AGAIN. 
• Beware the Ides of March? Yah. People get stabbed and stuff. March is tricky and can't be trusted. Watch your back. Literally. 
• This is the last year that I expect a fat woodland creature to predict the future with accuracy. 
• NO. NO. I will not use my ice scraper today. It is in the back of my trunk where it should be living until next winter. I refuse to participate in this. The snow removal this morning will have to happen with my windshield wipers exclusively.

But... I felt guilty about my hatred. I wanted to give it a chance. I didn't want to be so hard on March. So then I decided to pick out other months that suck.You know... to distribute the blame. The only ones that I could come up with were November and September..

November sucks because all of the leaves have already fallen and its just brown... and cold.
September sucks because summer is over, school starts, and it seems like I'm always cold and I just want to go back to the pool.

And then I figured it out.

OH. These are all the transition months.

I usually hate all transitions, not just in reference to the weather. I think most people do.
Think about all the transitions that a person goes through.

• The  above mentioned brown trees in November and March... everything is just brown and everyone is waiting impatiently for either Christmas or spring.
• When you are waiting for the snow to melt and the ground is covered in Mud.  
• When you are trying to grow your bangs out.. You never know what to do with your hair in the awkward middle stages.  
• When your house is in construction and there are paint cans, drop cloths, and dust everywhere.
• Have you ever been cleaning out  your closet? What does your room look like mid- process?
• How about the state of your kitchen while you are preparing a meal for a lot of people?
• How about adolescence or puberty???
• How about graduating college or starting a new job? 

It's always hard when you can't see the ending. You try to believe in the exciting plot twists that are heading your way,  but we get so impatient. The waiting feels painfully long, even if it's not.

In Oh the places you'll go, by Dr. Seuss, He describes the excruciating monotony of waiting in transition.

“You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

I think people have a choice on whether to make the waiting place a temporary living situation, or set up a permanent residence. They are either paying rent or a mortgage  As tiring as it might be to wait for answers,  a call back, or an opportunity,  It's much better than living like that for the rest of your life...

So how do you avoid living like that for the rest of your life? Some people will always be looking for a better job, a nicer car, a bigger paycheck and a smaller dress size. They might be stuck in the waiting place, like March forever. Also, you can just be partly in the waiting place. You may be where you want in you career, but not in your relationships. You may have the job, but not the money. You may have everything except the dress size. I think this can be enough, if you let it. You will never have everything that you want.

When do you decide when you have achieved enough? When are you "done?" also, when you are constantly running towards a finish line, are you taking time to be grateful for what you already have?

 You just have to be wise enough to distinguish between what you need , and what God wants you to do. You must be able to be thankful for what you have while still holding ambition. You have to strive for the things you want, but also what God wants. You have to live in the moment, but also look towards the future... a healthy balance between humility and aspiration.

Oh you know.. because that just super easy to figure out. 

So.. since I am an Art teacher, and a total art nerd..I'll bring up Van Gogh.

Vincent Van Gogh had a tough life. He struggled with setbacks, crushing sadness, and mental illness. He once described his childhood as "gloomy and cold and sterile." He had a very successful job in his early 20's.  He was making more than his father and he fell in love with a beautiful young woman. Right when he was on top, he was dumped mercilessly, then fired from his job in the same year. Vincent's greatest ambition was to be a pastor  because he loved the Lord and wanted to do good. So after he got dumped, he went on to seminary. He failed out in one year.  He had to move back in with his parents, and they were so concerned about him that they almost sent him to a lunatic asylum.He came from a successful family of intellectuals and successful businessmen so when his life went south, they saw him as a burden, and a failure.

The one thing that brought him joy was his relationship with his brother, Theo. His brother was the first person that really encouraged him to paint.

 It's like God was saying...

"No, not that. Not her. No, not that either.  You need to do something else.

 I need you to be painting pictures "

 Van Gogh only started to paint at age 29. In the eight years that followed,  he painted 860 paintings.

Van Gogh's misfortunes continued despite his growing love of painting. In the last year of his life, his depression and mental illness were starting to overwhelm him until the day that Theo and his wife had a baby.  They named the little boy after him. He was so excited about this new life that he painted  baby Vincent a picture in celebration. The subject was almond blossoms, a tree that flowers in spring. He had previously painted almond branches in a  vase, with the flowers cut off. Not this time. The composition is of live branches, and the viewer seems to be looking up into a clear blue sky. This style was very out of character for Van Gogh.

It's my favorite picture. It means hope and strength in times of suffering. It reminds me of the beauty in the world.  It hangs in my apartment above by bed, and  I had a copy in my classroom last year. 

Lets all take a moment and Thank God for spring: both the season and the metaphor.  Spring is a hope and a relief. Van Gogh was able to come out of his depression long enough to make something beautiful and to thank God for a new baby. .

The sun will come out and take away the brown of winter. Christmas will come. Your hair will grow out and your house will look fantastic when all of the work is done. You will survive your awkward adolescence  and graduation won't seem so scary.

March is only 31 days long, and you wont be stuck in your transition/waiting place forever if you choose otherwise.

After Dr. Seuss talks about the waiting place, he talks about the "spring" after you leave :

NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV

I am not sure whether I will ever be able to achieve that healthy balance between gratitude and ambition.. 

I know that I will try. In the meantime, I'll work on celebrating the little things that remind me of goodness..God sends you reminders of things that bring you renewal, and hope which gives you strength. 

So If you see a butterfly, a flower , a dogwood tree, or a clear blue sky today... go ahead and break out into song. ... 

... and If you have the chance to hold a  little baby,  maybe you can remember God"s promise to send new life.

and your spring might be just around the corner, where the boom bands will be playing. 

Jesus, where exactly is this window that you have opened for me?

When my sisters and I were little kids and our dad wouldn't give in to a stupid request like gum or gummy bears at the checkout line, we would usually ask:

"But Daaaad, Whyyyyyyyyy" ( in an annoying little girl whine).

He would reply with his catch phrase,  that is both equal parts hilarious and cruel:

" Well, honey, you know... ...life is just a swirling, sucking sea of despair full of false hopes and empty promises... and then you die"

If you ever want to know how to quickly shut up a 7 year old about the gummy bears she is begging you to purchase, there you go.

Obviously, My father was kidding and I don't really hold that philosophy of the world. On one hand, the world has its evil, dark and terrible qualities.The pages of history are full harsh cruelties and terrible tragedies. But I also believe in the good in the world, and the love of God that surrounds us every day.

I am both blessed and cursed with an innate optimism. This means that I have the amazing ability to believe in the impossible, root for the underdog, and hope for the extraordinary to happen. I love off- beat people and the overlooked. I usually have much more respect for those that have risen from pain and suffering than those with a spotless record of success.  I know I was born to be a teacher, so believing in small miracles and encouraging people makes up a huge part of my being. God wired me to face challenges with a smile and a sunny disposition.

I have secretly always loved that my blood type is B positive. I could have taken this a little too far by assuming it was a sign directly from God.

I went into my twenties with this outlook. Man...I had some fantastic plans and expectations about how it would all go down. It looked a lot like a stock photo catalog or a college brochure.This can best be represented by photos from Google images.

                                    Graduating From College. 

LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE! My multicultural friends and I are so PUMPED to join the workforce! We have achieved a major milestone! Student loans are NO BIGGIE since we will be instantly employed in lucrative careers!

Reality: Panic, nausea, and an identity crisis is what happened after graduation. I'm pretty sure that all of my multicultural friends felt the same. I had an eye infection on graduation day and lost my family's tickets.

The summer after graduation, , I started my adorable trait of staying up until 1:00 am because I feel the need to randomly research things on the internet when I am overwhelmed by stress. This leaves me both exhausted and stressed. At least I know a crap-ton of useless information, like all of Clark Gable's wives in chronological order. www.sporcle.com  is a dangerous place for a nerdy and disillusioned  post-grad. 

                                                                                          Job Interview

I am poised and eloquent. The employer says:
"Thanks for coming on board... It's great to have you on our team, We want YOU"

Reality:  You feel like a cheap Ho. They pretend to be all interested in you, but after one meeting, they don't call you back and pretend you never met. They also usually fail to give you a clear answer of why they are not interested.
which brings me to.........
                                                                                               Romance

I, being a kind and occasionally witty individual will find a similarly kind and witty man. Our love is simple and drama free. We will have ups and downs , but the struggles will just bring us closer. 

Reality: I have no expectations of manly sword fights,  life-threatening supernatural creatures or elaborate plots in which I play a damsel in distress. Please, please don't chase me down in an airport (heightened security post 9/11)  or kiss me in monsoon-level rainfall ( I wear too much mascara). I don't even really want an engagement ring at this point in life. I guess I just didn't expect these long periods of....nothing.... interrupted by short bursts of occasional disappointments, and really, really vague explanations of crappy behavior... all with the continued  verbal reassurance that I'm a great girl,and a fantastic person and any man would be lucky to be with me OR Jesus has someone really, super, special picked out.

The next failed romantic prospect that tells me that I am a great girl,  I will punch in the face, or the jugular.... or rip them apart with either my sassy rhetoric or my vicious teacher glare. The severity of the consequence will depend on my hormone level at the exact moment of any above mentioned spoken atrocity. You may view me as less than great when I am done.  I am not a violent person but men are conditioning me to become otherwise. I have adapted. You have been warned.

(deep breath)..................anyway.....

These are examples  of when optimism is a terrible thing. When circumstances change, plans go south, or people let me down, it throws me into a terrible state.

Sometimes I want to be a pessimist..but I can't. Instead accepting conflict as the status quo or writing it off as a "fact of life" like a pessimist might, I am now dealing with crushing heartbreak, or the dissolve of my happy ending. My expectations started out so high that it's a much harder fall.

THEN, my optimism and heartbreak rapidly switch in my head, back in forth... I become a hyper schizophrenic that starts to argue with myself.....kinda like Smeagol from the Lord of the Rings.
"Its going to be fine! 
BUT I'm so sad, how could this happen??? 
You are so blessed, you have the best family ever!
What's wrong with you, why do you suck so bad???
 I love the sunshine! 
I just want to lay in bed.
You have so much to be thankful for!"

I spent the whole of last year in a separate kind of identity crisis. I kept thinking, "what happened?"
You are Ange: a carefree and generally happy and upbeat individual. Little things don't get you down!you look at the world through rose-colored glass!  These things usually roll off of you, like your personality has been coated with a metaphorical rain-ex,which resists the elements of negativity. What happened to Pollyanna?!?! WHO HAVE YOU BECOME?

Yes.... I can be that dramatic. BFFMary is the one that informed me that I was  overly dramatic and informed me that this is "adulthood." She is more of a realist... which is as helpful as it is foreign to me.

This year has been a particularly rough ride. The theme of 2012 for Mary and I was... setbacks and rejection. In fact, every time I had a terrible day,  Mary did too. Coincidence left us both unable to fully comfort the other.  I wouldn't relive January 2013 if you paid me. It was a series of consecutive staccato setbacks.

 Not terrible setbacks, mind you... no one died, no bankruptcy was declared, no natural disasters destroyed my apartment, and my health was fine minus a touch of the flu. but... it was just a series of crappy things happening all at once that shook my optimism and confidence, drained my energy and in general, just got really freakin'  annoying.

The thing that I keep on clinging to is that old saying:

"When The Lord shuts a door, somewhere he opens a window. "

 (If you are unfamiliar, refer to The Sound of Music, aka my favorite movie. It was said  right before they make out in a blurry silhouette  #bucketlist? )  

Ok, lets dissect this phrase. Doors have been shut this year, for certain. Slammed in some cases.

BUT................. where is this "Window"?

Can  I get directions? Is it camouflage? Is it right around the corner? is it obvious? have I missed it somehow? How long until it opens? Can I google-maps it's location? Is it painted shut, perhaps?

Should I just probably calm the heck down? (well that's a...... "yes")

If the moral of the story is "Things don't work out the way you plan", I totally get that
... lesson . learned.
I am just really ready to find out the resolution. God, you are now allowed to make your point painfully obvious to me. Can I get a spoiler alert,?

Here's my more pressing question. When your world is in turmoil, or you feel lost you are taught to pray..so..

How do you pray for this?

Praying for specifics has succeeded in depressing me. I have prayed very hard for about 6 different specific jobs and about a million other things.
I , with all of  my arrogant awful human- cockiness. tried to reason and  tell God why these things would be a great idea.
See, Jesus.... think that this job would be awesome because I could use my love for art and stay in my pretty apartment and I would be helping people. so. yeah. God, did you read the job description? it's so me! you totally know me so.. do you agree? So when I pray for this you are going to root for me? 

When that didn't work .. I tried to break down my prayers to basics. You know.. so when I inevitably don't get a job I don't have to deal with the heartbreak.

I asked myself: why do you want a teaching job? Why do you want to teach, Andrea?
Because I want to help people, not just in the generic sense.I love to find the good in people. I want people to realize how special and amazing they are, and to see the beauty in learning about the world. I want to make the world a better place and I  truly want to be a light, and a good example of Jesus' love wherever I go.I love being surrounded with the awesome personalities of kids.I want to exude a Jesus-y inner peace and help the students that need encouragement. I remember the teachers that ignored me, but I also remember that it was the teachers that cared enough to invest in me. Those people made me want to come to school every day  I enjoy helping students reach goals.  I am also a nerd so I love talking about things like Roman history, diameters, Shakespeare and the  super-low density of Saturn. 
OH. I also would appreciate income stability and some semblance of a savings account. 
So.. something like that would be great.. okay God? It doesn't even have to be teaching! Find me a job where I can be a light and have some financial security. That's the prayer I am sticking with.  
We cool? 

and then I get afraid.. and turn into a spiritual wuss.

Ok Jesus remember what I said about the being a light thing? Are you going to send me to an African war zone?I mean... that's cool if that's what you want with me... but if we could..like.. not go there yet?I mean, maybe wait till next year before I get shot? Can I be a light in the suburbs of Pittsburgh? Can we find me some safe, local darkness to just light up ...maybe?Are you absolutely SURE that you are not going to give me more that I can handle because I'm quite so sure that I am handling these BASIC setbacks very well so... I mean where are you going to go with this? Could you provide me with a clue? 
You know.. because my limited, 25 year old view of life can compare to your omnipotence. 

Yes... I really do pray like that.. I used to struggle with the exact words to say and good rhetoric and similes to nature.. but then I gave up when I realized that God can hear my thoughts anyway...and he is probably cool with the awkward way that I express myself.

 I guess I'm still struggling with the phraseology of my prayers. I still don't know what to pray for. When my prayers sound this pathetic... does God shake his head and say:

" Oh.... that silly, curly-headed little nutcase, why can't she just be patient? She just doesn't even know"

Why does this happen? Why isn't my life's calling here yet if I've been praying for it for three years now?

Oh... right...Cuz..... Jesus isn't Santa Claus or a genie.

Just because I maintain good behavior, eat my veggies, and do not swear in the presence of children, God isn't just going to give me what I think I want.

Maybe I should just learn to relax and go with the flow... and trust God.

I am seven... and whining about the gummy bears that I do not have.

 Maybe my ridiculous theories on the step-by step sequence on how my life should be working out is stupid and small-minded. Maybe I'm not ready for the epic level of darkness that I am supposed to encounter. God could be building my character so that I am able to effectively contribute my Jesus-y light to the world.

 I realize that this "Trusting God's will is hard "concept isn't something that I invented. It's just something that I am working on.

Someday I might find my Jesus-y inner peace ... In the meantime I will cling to my optimism despite the occasional pain that it causes me.

In a way... Life IS a swirling, sucking sea of despair(it is also beautiful and full of hope) It IS full of false hopes and empty promises( as well as love, devotion and faithfulness).... and then you will die (physically yes, but then you get to go to heaven)"

If you are all familiar with JJ Heller's song "In your hands" , It literally brought me to tears when I first heard it. It describes my situation with freakishly accurate clarity. If you haven't heard it you probably should. :)

On those psychotic days when I get all dramatic, and tear up,  and forget everything I just wrote down... I have these bible verses that I just decided  I should try to memorize to remind me to relax.

I literally just googled "Bible verses about trusting in God"... then picked my favorites.
So please, please comment if there are any Bible verses that help you.

Joshua 1:9 Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me.

Proverbs 28:26 He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoever walks wisely, he shall be delivered.

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Revelation 21: He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

 He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Phillipians 1:6- He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion on the day of judgement. ( to remind me that I am a work In progress)

Weird is better.

Have you ever heard the analogy that people are like houses? A house is affected by its location, the people that encounter it, the things it sees, the catastrophes that it endures and by how long it sticks around. A house starts out like a blank slate, and it slowly builds it's character. 

Just like people. 

When I first graduated from college... I lived by myself In an apartment above an alterations shop, I picked it because Mary and I saw the " for rent" sight in the window one night when we went to get shamrock shakes. It was this big old building that was painted a spring-green color. It used to be a used book store named "The Book Tree" and the advertisement was painted old-fashioned style on the bricks on the side of the building.

The store below was  run by a cute Italian woman named Floriana. She moved here from Italy in the late 1940's with her husband. I talked to her once about how she fell in love, and what it was like to be a war bride at 17. She was amazing. I could hear the sound of her sewing machine all day long as it rhythmically bumped against the wall that we shared. She was also very charming. I could hear her loud, infectious laughter as she teased and enchanted her customers. 

My landlord was this man named Chris who had a permed mullet and taught Guitar lessons next door. Sometimes at 9:00 am on a Saturday I would hear a teenage novice practicing "Ring of fire", or "Smoke on The Water". Chris was an extremely polite guy who liked to tell me corny dad jokes or puns when I went down to get my mail. 

He only charged me 450, including rent and all utilities. Before I moved in, he repainted everything  and let me pick out the colors (I had a turquoise kitchen, ovbi..). He replaced all of the floors, and he even brought his old washing machine and dryer for me to use. 

The apartment had many interesting qualities.  

For example: 

1. Every floor was crooked in a different direction, so I slept on a tilt, and burning candles was frustrating and sometimes scary, because the wax would burn uneven and drip down the side. I no longer buy pillar candles.

   

2. My bathroom door was literally right next to my kitchen counter.. and when you opened it ... BAM. there was the shower curtain. The curtain was on a hinge so that it could be folded flat against the wall for easy entrance to the bathroom.  You actually had to step over the bathtub and turn around in a circle to find the toilet. 

3. The kitchen floor was out of focus. I don't know how to describe it besides the fact that when you looked at it you felt a little dizzy, and also like you forgot to put in your contacts. People would come over and you would watch their faces right before they felt like they should ask. 

               Guest: " Is your floor..."

               Me: "Yep. It's blurry" 

               Guest: " Wow. Um, why....."

               Me: " No idea.... but isn't it great?"

               Guest:  "Um. yes? I don't think I can look at it any more."

4. There was a creepy back porch with two flights of stairs and a motion sensor light that was so bright that it made you feel like you were caught during a prison break when you came home at night. Chris installed it for my safety. 

5. As a dad of a teenage girl, Chris was always worried about my safety. He controlled the heat, so in winter he bumped it up into the high 70's, because he was worried about me freezing to death. I wore shorts.  

6. It was above a river with a dam, so you could hear the rushing water. Right next to the river were train tracks that were very.... um... active? So sometimes, at 3:00 am, in addition to sleeping on a tilt, I was also shaking with the rest of my apartment. It felt like I was experiencing something that could be measured on the lower end of the Richter scale. The tremors were accompanied with the sound of the freight train, which apparently is the same sound of a tornado. I've never been around in a tornado but I could see how the sound could be frightening.

7. I loved how I was slightly concerned about a gas explosion because my stove top seemed to be perpetually warm, even when it was turned off. 

It made me feel dangerous. 

8.  It was above the main street. I watched the Halloween parade from my window. One morning I woke up to two old men fighting over the various merits of a particular red mustang. One evening around the beginning of December, I almost died of a heart attack because there was a man on a crane/cherry picker staring at me through my living room window. The municipality was hanging banners on the light posts that said "Happy Holidays!" 

9. My windows were lit up at night with a neon sign that read "Tightwad Tobacco." 

10. I loved how I couldn't afford cable or internet, so I read all the time, and borrowed movies from the library. thus outlawing me from the Beaver County Library system, because I'm pretty sure that I still owe them 10 dollars in late fees.

11. My computer also broke right after I moved in. so even if I could afford the internet, I wouldn't have been able to use it. I had a ton of free time.  I worked on paintings and listened to music. 

I filled the rooms with my paintings and books and pictures from Italy. Every apartment that I have lived in (3 now) looks like my personality exploded all over the walls, but this one was my first.

The  turquoise kitchen with the blurry floor. 

My living room.

I really couldn't help but fall in love. 

I fell in love with the apartment the way I fall in love with people:
I appreciated  the many quirks, flaws, and idiosyncrasies....the strangeness that was weaved into the walls of the place before I arrived.  

Whether you are referring to apartments or people, I believe there is great merit in weirdness. 

Weird is just more fun.

I found a quote a while ago on the internet that I love. 

“There are people who are generic. They make generic responses and they expect generic answers. They live inside a box and they think people who don't fit into their box are weird. But I'll tell you what, generic people are the weird people. They are like genetically-manipulated plants growing inside a laboratory, like indistinguishable faces, like droids. Like ignorance.” -Joy Bell C. 

Weird is bravery.

Let me provide you with some real- life examples, like... my family. 

My mother has a very important job in the healthcare field. She solves important hospital problems and gives lectures to large rooms of people. She teaches college students, she saves lives, and she makes big decisions. She is constantly reading boring sounding articles and highlighting things that she printed from several databases. She is formidable. Sometimes people are afraid of her. 

BUT.. She is also has the highest score in the nation on  Bejeweled. She spent half the summer trying to beat this guy named "Matt" on the game called butterflies. Sometime in July she beat him. I was sleeping at my parents house because I was going to church or something when she woke me up out a dead sleep to tell me of her victory. I replied that  we are  obviously a family of winners. I asked her if she would like a certificate... but I think the thrill of the win was enough. She also felt the need to beat all of our educational computer games when we were little... like Spelling Jungle and Carmen Sandiego.

Mom also hates grapes. She hates grapes because sometimes, eventually, a small percentage of grapes become raisins... and she really hates raisins. Grapes are guilty by association.   

My little sister Alex was a strange little kid. She used to walk around town with no shoes on. She introduced herself to strangers and made up her own songs.When she was 10, we volunteered at the Wash. County Fair with our church. Alex earned 50+ dollars in tips that week.

The church booth didn't take tips.

People just randomly gave her money because they thought she was funny. The truly amazing thing is that she only got paid a few quarters at a time.  She accumulated 50 dollars in 6 days by just giving people forks and ranch dressing packets.

She used to pretend that she was in a music video and dance around and sing to herself in public places while everyone else around her was holding a normal conversation.(She still kinda does)

Alex hates TV. While everyone in our house was watching TV She used to hang out in her room doing God knows what. She discovered only a year ago that there was a show on TV called Law and Order SVU. She then became obsessed and spent the summer watching all 13 seasons and forming an obsession with Mariska Hargitay.

Three people flew in for Alex's 21st birthday. 

Who does that? 

My cousin (age 8) saves up her allowance money to buy costume wigs.

My Grandpa  has bought two different plaques as gifts for my mother. He calls his new car "The Widow Magnet."

Then there is Dad: If you have seen the bright, interestingly printed pants that he wears every day, you need no further explanation. He is also BFF'S with the entire staff of the Washington County Sam's Club.  

My friend Mary refuses to watch inspirational movies, family movies, or movies with animals. She gets too emotionally attached and can't handle it when the plot turns south.

My sister Sam only cleans her house in the middle of the night. She also really loves Harry Potter. She dragged her husband to the Harry Potter theme park and bought me Harry's wand for Christmas. She used to walk on her tiptoes everywhere before the doctor told her it was damaging her feet. she actually still does it, and as a result her calf muscles are the size of an infant's head, so she can't wear boots.

My family... being strange.
Yes.. that is leopard print. 

Weird is just better. I would have hated a new apartment with no character.If I lived in a perfect apartment, my post-college living situation would have just been a fact or an address, instead of a story.

Being weird is also good for your relationships. The less you try to be normal, the more relatable you become . If you are yourself, you make the people around you feel comfortable enough to do the same.

I'm not saying that normal, even sometimes "generic" people cannot be loved. What I am saying is that they might be lost. No one is perfect, so people that try to be perfect are playing a part. They may not be in touch with themselves. They might be going through the motions of life without ever discovering who they really are. It's not a bad thing... it's just not as good as it could be.

I'm not telling you to become Tim Burton. Not everyone has to wear a dress made out of meat like Lady Gaga, or  even behave as a-dork-able as Zooey Deschanel... Celebrate your flaws, shortcomings, particularities and   hidden talents.You were made this way for a reason. Don't hide behind your fear of being judged. 

To quote the Backstreet boys... and I often DO quote the backstreet boys... 

"What makes you different Makes you beautiful"