T.V. Really Does Rot Your Brain.

So... I'm completely addicted to watching TV on my computer.
This occurred through a series of unavoidable events.

Please allow me a moment to explain myself.

 Earlier this fall I had a collection of ancient Macintosh computers that with their combined deficiencies, almost equaled one functioning computer. I remember dragging all three computers into a resale computer store in the Southside, where I was severely judged by an employee, who was a computer genius hipster wearing toms.

Me: So these are my computers. I was wondering if maybe I could sell all three and buy one that works.
The Genius: Ok, um, so whats wrong with them?
Me: Which one?
The Genius: How about the laptop?
Me: Ok.. the macbook laptop was purchased in 2006. It has amnesia.
The Genius: What?
Me:  Uh Amnesia? Or Alzheimer's I guess.  like its losing it's memory? It says the start up disk is full, and it's out of memory, which is false because I don't have any files on the computer. Its lost and confused. The light in the screen went out too, so you can see the screen only if you shine a flashlight through the apple.
The Genius: Through the apple...? (judgemental pause) oh. OK what about this one:
Me: oh... the desktop is from 2004 ish? It is operating on an old system so it won't download basic computer functioning things like Firefox or Adobe flash player. And the power-on button is broken too. It only works if you pray to Jesus first and push it the right way. It usually takes about 15-20 tries to get it to power on.
The Genius: Right... and the third one?
Me: That  ibook laptop is from forever ago. It weighs about the same as a human infant. It has the same problem of not being able to download things, and the wireless card is broken so it doesn't get the internet. The  speakers are also broken and every time you turn it on,  the clock resets itself to December 31st, 1969 which "May cause some applications to behave erratically". I'm pretty sure it's a time machine.

The Genius: [turning on laptop] It's called Mr Bixley?  What or who is Lola?

Me:[turning red] Um... so...Mr Bixley is my laptop's name? The external hard drive is Lola but.. um I lost her, I mean it's power cord...

The Genius:  ................

RIP Mr. Bixley the first.  This is him in my apartment in Italy.   

So then I bought a computer,  and promptly named him Mr. Bixley II. Not from that guy.... he was unhelpful. I still have all three of those electronic treasures in my apartment if anyone wants to pay me any amount of money for them.. really... any amount of money.

 No.. I got a Black Friday deal. Its cute, little, and runs on Windows 8, Which is very pretty, but I haven't figured it out yet. The one thing that I have figured out is how to run the Netflix and Hulu apps. Which brings me to my next point.

When you work 40-60 hours a week,but make no money.. Netflix and Hulu seems like a logical way to spend your time. I was too poor to afford cable in my last two apartments, and I didn't have a computer... so I basically have not watched TV for two years. this had led to a 6 month obsession where my mind wanders into these fictional lives of fictional people.

I mostly blame Mary and Sam for this. "They made me do it, they told me that the cool kids were doing it. I had no choice! It was peer pressure"

Lets review:

2 years without computer
+ 2 years without cable
+ novelty of new computer
+ two and a halfish jobs
+ exhausted Andrea
+ no money
+ emotion
+ memory foam bed
+ a stupid winter
+ the evil "next episode" button

= a perfect storm for multiple Netflix addictions.

Due to my inquisitive nature and overactive imagination... I end up thinking about these TV shows during my daily life.. and It's been seriously affecting my brain. I actually think these things all day long. I'm having a hard time deciding what is real

.......anyway...

Below I have listed some of my musings categorized by TV show. .

Revenge
1. I now trust no one. Everyone is a suspect. Especially significant others and immediate family members.
2. Note to self: take self defense classes in case anyone tries to frame my family for murdering hundreds of people.
3. Something that is very, very, wrong with my life: I do not have enough reasons to wear an evening gown.
4. So where exactly do you find a cold, calculating, billionaire Japanese ninja to advise you in your plan for revenge? Classifieds? Attractive twenty something female seeks Asian mastermind to aid and assure success in emotionally-charged evil scheme. And when did she become fluent in Japanese? How did she get that done while also training to kill and inventing an alias? Overachiever...
5. Have they seriously not figured out that Emily Thorne is Amanda Clark?
6. I wish I had a secret box of secrets hiding in my floorboards, actually I just want to hide anything in my floorboards. Like cash. I would like extra cash to hide in my floorboards.. scratch that..
I just want extra  secret cash.
7. I doubt I'll ever have a valid reason to wear a full body suit with an accompanying  gun and ammo belt. It's just not in the cards for everyone...
8. The Graysons and their perpetual evil plotting remind me of Boris and Natasha, except they are less Russian and more impossibly attractive.
9. The existence of Nolan fuels my already existing jealousy that I do not have the ability to hack through the mainframe of a computer database and override security cameras.

Castle on ABC
1. I will never go jogging in a city park in the morning, be a city garbage man or become a Hispanic housekeeper in a high-rise apartment building.. that is how you will find dead bodies. It's really only a matter of time.
2. Is it still too late to be a detective? Is it an easy transition between elementary teacher and homicide detective... I have a ton of experience in calling people out on lying... except it's usually about homework and not murder.
3. I need a short leather jacket.
4. I want to interrogate someone, but not just anywhere. I need the single light on a string and the one way glass with the grungy exposed brick walls.
5. If you strap a gun to several parts of your body like your ankle or thigh.. isn't it super uncomfortable? how do you run or climb things?
6. I would like to fall in love with a witty, quirky, NYT best selling, crime fighting novelist that is of similar height and loves his family.... and yes I'm aware that that is a very specific request.
7. Could I kick in a door if I tried?... and would it hurt if I rolled across a car or climbed a chain link fence In hot pursuit of a criminal?? Or does adrenaline cancel it out? Do they practice these things in detective school?
8. Isn't phone tracking technology better now? Do we really still have to wait a minute before we know where the call was coming from?
9. Isn't it just SUPER convenient that every murder victim and suspect has an 8x10 glossy photo? How do they get them developed so fast? Do they go to Walgreen's? Is that an intern's job?
10.Serial killers always have a shrine of newspaper clippings and some sort of freakishly impressive artwork,as well as a super creepy phone voice. Are these traits that are included in every serial killer psychological profile?
11. How many precincts actually have that fancy see-through glass touch-screen database?
12. I'd like to see a statistic of how many detectives have famous criminals that target them specifically. It seems like every crime show that I watch has a main character who is constantly in threat from some kind of personal attack from a vicious killer.
13. (Mary and I talk about this all the time) I am deeply saddened that I have chosen a career where I will probably  never have the opportunity to say certain things like:

• "NYPD. DROP YOUR WEAPON."
• "Get this down to ballistics asap." 
• "Zoom in on that image, see if we can make out the liscence plate."
• "The only place that you're going is Central Booking." 
• "Dental records confirmed her as our "Vic"
• "The call was made from a Burner Phone"
• "We can talk to the DA to strike you a deal"
• "That's our murder weapon"
• "You're off the case." 

Glee

1. I have feelings too... and five minutes into watching this I have an overwhelming urge/need to express them through song.
2. Why is there always a new set list for sectionals? When do they rehearse?
3. Where is MY magical band of highly talented musicians who automatically memorize and anticipate  the song I intend to sing in order to express myself? They should be popping up out of nowhere and hanging out in the background and smiling. 
4. Don't these children have classes to attend? When did high school cease to be a place of learning and turn into a personal journey of introspection and  self-discovery?
5. It might be easier to sing my feelings if everyone knew my song and synchronized with my dance moves. Perhaps there is a metaphor in there somewhere? Like the world's a musical but nobody knows my score? Too far? 
6. I just added "participate in an angry mash-up sing-off to solve an argument" to my bucket list.
7. I don't think that my high school had quite this many sexually confused teenagers or fancy technical lighting concepts . Must be an Ohio thing.    
8. Let me just say what we are all thinking. If the Glee club kids had that level of epic skills, there is no way that they would be unpopular. People would present slushies to them in adoration, not throw them in their faces. I just invalidated the whole inspirational  message of the plot. bam. 

The Walking Dead. 

1. I would die.My character would not be central to this plot..Because I would be dead in one of those panic scenes where all the cars are stuck in rows on the highway.I would be a background screamer, or one of those people that won't leave the house in time. It does take me forever to pack.  
2. CANT. STOP... WATCHING. Must. Achieve. Basic. Human. Responsibilities.
3.  (attempts zombie growl........ #nailedit ) 
4.  That woman is wearing makeup in a post apocalyptic society... in Georgia... in the summer. Some theatrical exaggeration or a misplaced sense of priorities has occurred. 
5. Shouldn't they have run out of ammo by now? He only had one bag of guns.. from the FIRST episode. 
6. I am suddenly very concerned about my lack of spatial awareness and upper body strength, as well as my minimal encounters with firearms. 
7. So Gross. SO SO GROSS.
8. Setting it in Georgia so that everyone has Southern accents makes every line in the script sound exceptionally more badass.. nice job AMC 
9. But Seriously...Is that squishy internal organs and human flesh ripping sound effect entirely necessary?
10. Sheriff Rick Is REAL good at looking intensely into the distance when he is faced with an impossible moral dilemma. It's a very rare skill. 
11. In the choice of fight or flight.... I would unfortunately pick the rarely discussed third option: "Freeze,or Mentally check out"
12.  The way that Zombies run in a group is similar to the way I look when I run. Facial expression included. That's sad.
13. Where is Carl? What the heck?  That kid needs a leash.  

There's more where that came from. Don't even get me started on Mad Men or Grey's Anatomy. 

My only hope is that this is just a phase and it will soon pass. 

After all, spring is here.. and enjoying some fresh air is finally a viable option.