The Vicious Magnetic Downward Spiral of Self- Loathing.

Do you ever get into negative moods and thought patterns that just seem to get out of control? I am not sure whether this is an Andrea thing, a woman thing, or an everybody thing, so maybe you guys can help me out. I mean, I am definitely an optimist. I know that God is in control of my life and that he loves me. I know that I have a wonderful family and a great support system.

BUT Every once in a while,  I will spend the better half of a day convinced that I suck at everything in life, there is no silver lining, and I am the cause of every struggle I have ever faced. I refer to this as a Negative Thought Spiral.

I read a book once that theorizes that women have brains like spaghetti. It's called Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, by Bill and Pam Farrel.  When a woman thinks about something, one thought will connect to another thought, the way that spaghetti connects to other spaghetti pieces on a plate.A woman starts one activity, but then it connects to other things that are similar.. at least in her mind.

When a woman cleans a house..
 .....this makes her think of other things that she should clean, and domesticity.
Now she is cleaning the house, making dinner and doing two loads of laundry
......doing laundry made her think of her closet...
Now she is cleaning the house,making dinner, doing two loads of laundry,and trying on all the dresses in her closet
...which made her think of pretty woman, when she tries on all the outfits at the store, 
....which also made her want to call her sister because they love that movie.

Now she is cleaning the house,making dinner, doing two loads of laundry,and trying on all the dresses in her closet, while talking on the phone to their sister, and watching pretty woman on DVD. Which means that the dinner may be burned and the house is messier than when she started due to the impromptu fashion show.....and then she gets exhausted and falls asleep with Pretty Woman on the TV.

Again, not sure whether this is actually a woman thing or an Andrea thing, but I am almost positive that my sisters suffer from the same problem.

This "Spaghetti Brain" theory also explains the negative thought spiral.

It usually starts with a simple, seemingly innocent annoyance. These are different for every person, but  it can set you down a path of negativity.

These catalysts could be any of the following:

• Hormones
• Lack of sleep
• Lack of coffee
• Lack of both sleep and coffee
• Stoplights
• Paper cuts
• Wireless internet decided to take a nap
• Spinning hourglass on computer screen.
• Bad hair day
• Uncooperative children
• Uncooperative significant other or family member
• Low bank account in combination with low gas tank
• An obnoxious amount of emails to answer
• Self-loathing and hyperglycemia caused by fast food
• Starvation and hypoglycemia caused by no food
• Self-loathing caused by binge Netflix-ing 
• Poor choice of footwear in relation to activity, such as heels and errands 
• Procrastination
• Repetitive background noises
• The "Looming Fiscal Cliff"
• An interaction with a rude or negative person
• No phone battery life and no charger

Usually, these things will annoy me for only a moment, and then I can make a joke and move on with my day. But every once in awhile, a catalyst will happen in conjunction with something else. This could be anything that makes me feel self-conscious, overwhelmed or inadequate, like a mean comment that was said about me or a mistake that I made.

I will have one negative thought, which will connect to another,  and five more will follow. My negative thought spirals usually have a theme..

"You are not handling your responsibilities in a manner which is congruent with the behavior of  other functional adults"

"You are not following your dreams or being true to yourself. You haven't touched your painting in a month and you have an entire stack of books waiting to be read, in addition to not making time for constructive extra-curricular activities like leading a youth group or becoming a hospital volunteer"

"What ever happened to the bible study that you wanted to join? I'm sure that Jesus loves being put on the back burner" 

"You are behind in your career , and the lack of a  position suggests a lack of capability"

"You might as well go out and buy yourself a kitten because it is most likely that you will die alone, in a house with shelves full of your classic literature and chick flicks, which hinder your ability to relate to the opposite sex"

" The future is scary and you obviously do not have the skills or the luck to accomplish all you need and want"

Awful, isn't it? This is self-bullying. You are Regina George....to yourself.  Your  "themes" might be different than mine. You may have dealt with a broken home or a broken marriage. You may have had to feel the loss of someone close to you. You may feel like you let someone down, or hurt the people who are close to you or you may be battling a broken heart. No matter what it is, the spiral of sadness will reach down into the deepest parts of your brokenness and leave no stone unturned until you feel completely awful.

I used to sit there and think:
Where is this coming from? Who is this negative, awful person who has replaced you today? You were fine an hour ago!This is not you.. stop it. 

Then one day I had an epiphany. There is no mystery as to the origin of these thoughts. They come directly from Satan. He tries to make us forget that we are loved and important and special. He amplifies our faults and shortcomings, and makes us feel like failures. He paralyzes our actions and makes us too afraid to chase after what God has intended for us to do with our lives.

It is important to remember that you are not the only one that feels this way. Everyone has a spiral every once in a while. In fact, Audrey Hepburn describes it perfectly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

So what do we do?
When you feel like this, how do you fix it? How are you going to pull yourself out of your "mean reds" or your negative downward spiral?
Holly Golightly goes to Tiffany's. I usually talk to my parents, my sister or Mary. Sometimes I'll watch a movie or listen to music, but it never works completely.

The only real, lasting way to fix it is to pray, and remember who is in control.

Then came epiphany number two. You are right, you are not perfect, you are not supposed to be. The future is scary, and you actually don't have the skills to fix it. You need to remember that God has your back, and he is far more capable than you can ever imagine. Most importantly, he loves you. Like seriously, he really, actually does love you. People always said that to me but I never really understood. He thinks you are a gift and a treasure. He does not see you as a constant disappointment or burden, so stop telling yourself that you are. You are not strong enough to handle this, because you don't have to be.

Oh, by the way, this epiphany was the inspiration behind the title of this blog.

In the old movie An Affair to Remember, two people fall in love on a cruise ship. They are already dating other people, so they have to make a decision whether they are going to fall in love or start ignoring each other. Cary Grant, with all of his infinite man-swagger offers Deborah Kerr a drink after they meet by chance.

  Cary Grant: Don't you think that life should be bright and bubbly, like champagne?

  Deborah Kerr:  l like pink champagne!

  Cary Grant: That's the kind l mean. ls there any reason why this trip shouldn't be pink       champagne?

Think of it like Cary Grant. Shouldn't life be like pink champagne? Shouldn't it be bright, bubbly and full of whimsy? When you are in a negative thought spiral, don't stay there. Pull yourself out of it by thinking about all that is bright in your life, and doing things that bring you joy.

When you are sad, use what God gave you. He gave us all a toolbox to deal with things like this. Did he give you wonderful friends, or an excellent and supportive family? Did he give you  the gift of singing or painting to cheer you up? Go for a drive. Put on your running shoes and go for a run.Watch a Disney movie or do some stress-baking, if you are into that. Go ahead, eat your breakfast at Tiffany's to chase away the mean reds.(or eat a granola bar at  Kay Jewelers since not everyone lives in New York)

Find our what works for you. But while you do these things remember where to put your trust and your worries, and most importantly, remember who to thank for all you have. 

"Honey, you look like you need a sourdough roll. "

Many people that know me know that I have had many side jobs. Don't get me wrong, I have never been fired or quit, I just picked new jobs on college breaks, or held many at one time. I have gleaned many skills and hilarious stories from said jobs. Let's review the list, shall we?
They are listen chronologically, from 2003-present.

Summer babysitter
murder victim at a haunted house (not kidding)
Wendy's
Panera
Two Scoops Ice cream Parlor
Starbucks
Sheetz
Day care teacher
Geneva College Dining Hall Pizza Maker
Banana Republic
After school Math Tutor
Summer Nanny

Why have I had so many? Because of my mother.

Mama Wendy grew up on a 100 acre farm. She  actually told me once that she grew the crops .... to sell... to buy the fabric... to make her own clothes in high school. I thought she was lying until I asked my aunt. Yep, it is true.She also actually did walk a mile to get to the bus stop in the snow. Mama Wendy STILL has 3 jobs. My sisters and I didn't stand a chance. We had to get jobs pretty much the minute we turned 16, if not before.

This is the farm. It's probably one of the prettiest places on earth. 

I worked at Panera when I was a senior in high school to the end of my freshman year of college.  During my two week winter break, it was my job to open. I hate mornings. I am not actually a functioning person unless it is 10:00 am or I have had two cups of coffee, whichever comes first. I also don't have proper motor skills in the morning, like I drop things and bump into doorways and fall down sometimes. I really, really hate to be awake when it is early.To put it in church-y words, early is not my "spiritual gift"

When you are the bakery opener at Panera you have to wake up at 4:00 and get there by 5:00. You have to gather all of the pastries and set them on doilies and plates that you arrange to make the display look tasty, attractive, and magical. There are also many rules, and a diagram to follow. You can't put scones next to chocolate pastries and  cinnamon rolls have to be in the middle in a basket. Cookies have to stay flat  and in a stack, and you have to tip forward the plates with those tiny solo cups that normal people use for ketchup. This job can suck, especially when it is 5:30 and your doily slips down and all of a sudden the orange scone icing is stuck to a cheese pastry and the cherry pastries have flung themselves upon the cobblestone muffins, causing it to look like a gruesome pastry murder scene.

It gets worse. At Panera you have to wear khaki pants, a polo, a hat, an apron and brown or black shoes. This was torture. I have like three times the hair of a regular person, so it is cruel to force me to wear a hat. My hair doesn't fit. the curls spill out the sides and I look like an idiot. The outfit was the worst. I hated my pants... they were literally the ugliest things on earth. Mama Wendy forced me to buy the unisex dockers and shoes that can be found in the career section at Wal-mart.Yes friends, there is a "career section" at Wal-Mart, I bet you didn't know.

You may know my feelings about the word "unisex" if you read my post about 21 Truths.

Anyway, These hideous dockers supposedly had a "safety feature", a special coating that would prevent the flesh of your leg from burning off in the event of fry grease being thrown at you. My man shoes had the same coating. My feet are size 11, so basically my bottom half looked like a man.  There was an epic mother/daughter fight about those ugly pants and shoes. Now, in my adult wisdom, I know that my mom was concerned for my well-being. Mama Wendy loves me, and  love hurts... like being 17 and  wearing Wal-mart "career" merchandise. Sometimes, love is excruciating.

When I came back to Panera after my first year of college, I had just bought new shoes AND new pants. My pants were still nasty khakis but not nasty unisex safetypants khakis. My shoes were these brown pumas with grippy looking things on the bottom, and I was thinking: "Man, look at these things, they look SO safe. These are going to be awesome. I am never going back to the ugly man clothes because I am now a collegiate and sophisticated woman"

False.

They absolutely sucked for safety. the second I stepped on a wet surface, my feet would slip and side out from under me. I always caught myself though. I remember thinking that these shoes still looked wicked sweet, and I would be fine, I just had to pay attention when they mopped the floor.

Also false.

One day, I was in the back stocking the fridge or warming up soup or something when my manager told me that they needed my help up front. Like a good employee I hurried up front to take my position at the register...............

BAM.

My face was on the floor. I had fallen full force on my right arm in front of my coworkers and the twenty plus customers during the morning rush.They had just mopped and I didn't see the yellow" Cuiado!" sign in time.

I did what any normal human would do. I stood up quickly like "Its all cool" and pretended like nothing ever happened.
I strolled unsteadily to my register, smiled at my customer and said, " Hi! Welcome to Panera Bread! what ccaan I gett................."

 I passed out.Yep.... Mid -sentence. I was in a lot of pain and... well, sometimes I do that. It's adorable.

I was out cold for 30-50 seconds. On my way down,  I also took a whole sleeve of plastic smoothie cups with me, which flung through the air and showered the floor around my unconscious body. Fellow employees and customers rushed over to help, kicking plastic cups all over the place. It was quite a scene. I woke up to the general manager in my face asking me about the date, time, and the current president. She made me sit in one of the booths and put ice on my wrist. She called my dad to take me to Med Express and gave me the next two days off.

It was a hairline fracture in my right wrist and I was given a brace. After the weekend, I returned to work.

For at least two weeks, all of the employees and regular customers brought up "The Incident." causing me to blush a deep shade of red . I really just wanted to forget it ever happened, but people kept saying things that made me feel like Pollyanna at the end of the movie after she falls off the roof..

"That was quite a spill you took there!"
" You gave us quite a scare, little lady"
"You make sure you're safe out there!" 
" You just really need to rest...that.... arm. I mean it!"
"You just take it easy, now, and watch your step."

Not everyone had that same kind approach towards me.One co-worker felt the need to make it COMPLETELY CLEAR when she was, or was not mopping the floor. The customer that I was waiting on when I passed out mid-sentence wouldn't make eye contact as if he felt personally responsible or irreversibly traumatized by the incident.
My manager took a different approach. She was completely baffled that someone could pass out due to pain and she did not believe me. She thought I was a workplace liability, and probably anorexic. I really, really didn't look anorexic....I weighed about 20-30 pounds more than I do now.. but she felt the need to push sourdough rolls towards me once or twice in an eight-hour shift, which I accepted. I tried to refuse once, but she gave me a look like: " I'm not picking you up off the floor again. Your very presence threatens the safety and security in my workplace. I detest your face and  your vanity-shoes,  you errant employee" .. but I may have been reading into it.

After that I decided that I didn't want to work at Panera for the next 4 months. I soon left that job to live in Anna Maria Island, Florida for the summer with the intention of waitress-ing at my grandparent's beachside country club... which actually turned into me working at an ice cream parlor called Two Scoops. I lived in a beach house and rode the free tourist trolley to work every day. It didn't suck. The best part is I was allowed to wear shorts and flip flops. 
#winning
#silverlining

Two Scoops Ice Cream Parlor from the outside. 

So what's the moral of the story, kids?
It really depends on your preference, but you can choose which life lesson you want to take away from this story from the following list.
1. Safety in the workplace is everyone's job!
2. Practicality is better than vanity. 
3. Mother knows best.
4. Danger is everywhere, and constant vigilance is necessary for survival.  
5. Finish college and get yourself a nice, safe, desk job. 
6. Ya know, sometimes life just knocks you down, and you just gotta get up, and then it knocks you down again. (aka the chumbawamba lesson)
...or my personal favorite

Sometimes God closes a door, (or pushes you over on the floor in front of 30 people and breaks your wrist) but somewhere he opens a window ( or gets you a job that pays 9.00 an hour plus tips, scooping ice cream, beachside, in your flip flops)

I got a ton of great pictures that summer , too. Happy ending!!

Thoughts on Weight Loss.

I invented a new diet.

It is called: Stress, Poverty, and Slow Jogging. (copyright pending)

I'm waiting to hear back from several major publishing companies.When I make my first million and am invited on to the Ellen show, I will be sure to remember you: my original supporters.

I have outlined my plan below for your perusal and suggestions. Remember, you heard it here first.

My target age demographic is 20-35

This diet is for you if you...

•  are unemployed
• you have a job that has nothing to do with your college major. 
• you have a job that does relate to your college major but pays much less that you thought. 
• your monthly student loan payment fills you with hopelessness, unnatural hatred for those responsible for the current economic decline and the urge to cry. 
• you have contemplated robbing a bank, but stopped when you realized that you couldn't afford a fast getaway car, and subsequently a  good defense lawyer. 
• you are in college and you don't have time to think about food because your brain is overflowing with glorious academic thoughts, and you time is consumed with stupid papers and projects. 
• You pretend that you are worldly and independent and you don't need grocery money from your parents, but you do. 
• You are faced with an exciting new phase in your life that comes with a financial burden, like a wedding or a baby. 
• You can't go out and socialize because of your "available balance"
• You work too much to shop for groceries ... or cook....or eat. 
• You  are single and no one buys you dinner except for your parents. 
• You have a boyfriend, but he is also poor, and you would feel guilty if he bought your dinner. 

Oh yes, you must also wish to lose weight. Small detail.

I don't want to give away the whole book, but I have listed a few of my helpful hints.

Actually none of them are particularly helpful, but hopefully it makes you smile. 

1. Eat canned peas, canned corn or green beans for dinner/snack. Its like 70 calories, 2 minutes in the microwave and you can find it for as low as 65 cents.You will either be perceived as a pathetic hobo drifter or admired for being health conscious as you heat up your peas from a can.

2. Make sure you eat chocolate.Slim fast powder is like chocolate milk for grown-ups! You can eat it for a snack and get it at Sam's club.  Eventually you may develop a hidden talent of spinning your spoon at turbo speed. In the meantime, try to ignore the gross clumps of chocolaty powder that didn't mix in properly. You can also tell yourself that any kind of chocolate is dark chocolate which is totally good for you. Chocolate is brown, which is a dark color!You win! Eating chocolate won't exactly make you lose weight, but it will make you happy which makes you a better person, which makes you prettier on the inside. A diet for your soul!
My logic is awesome..

3. Make "logical" financial decisions with your health:
Compare:
A fitness club membership $45.00+ per month. or a bazillion dollars for a year membership.

OR..
Training App for running on your smart phone:  $1.99
Mace for fighting a potential lurker/attacker 8.99
a nice fitnessy outfit from Target- 30.00
Enjoying the great outdoors?: Priceless.

You also have a valid reason/excuse for not running when it is snowing or below freezing. You do not have this luxury when you have a gym membership. You usually just have to suck it up and go.

4. Make the most of your time.Make sure you download several songs that will make you feel like a BA whilst you jog in public.

Warning: This song will make you feel intense,dramatic, lovelorn,
and also like you are running away from leprechauns in Ireland.
Totally worth it. 

5. If you are low on cash, and hate to cook,go ahead and take the Special K Challenge. If you love cereal like I do, it's not really a challenge, its an opportunity. Take the Special K Opportunity.

6.  Look up "Lazy Girl Fitness"  a blog by Violet Sage. She tells you how to lunge through your house as you clean, do gallon milk curls while you cook, and only exercise during the commercial breaks of your favorite shows.

7. Embrace your life's hardships. If your life is stressful enough,  you may be too busy to eat anything except  bargain Wal-Mart Greek yogurt and vita-gummies. Congratulations! You could lose at least 5 pounds because of your over-booked schedule!

8.  Don't put forth much effort while cooking. Why do I eat lame and pathetic things for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Because cooking elaborate, high calorie, and fatty things when you are by yourself is like the proverbial tree in the woods.If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears or sees it, did it really happen?  If I make stuffed chicken over a bed of angel hair pasta and a white wine reduction cream sauce, and no one eats it besides me, and it is gone.. did it really happen? I need the promise of recognition before I put forth the effort.

YES... These are hot pink pancakes. NO, I am not frying Pepto-bismol.
Rule for life: ALWAYS pick girlish whimsy over  bland lettuce. 

9. Take vitamins. I love vitamins. My hair is shiner. My joints are like steel. My metabolism is super fast. I take Vitamin D and I ooze sunshine. Just don't OD and destroy your kidneys. Mary told me this is a possibility, but I am not sure of the validity of her sources. Yes, I have a weekly pill planner box like I'm 90.

10. Don't read fitness magazines!  They cost 4 whole dollars! They make you feel guilty and depressed for not boiling kale and okra and throwing it into a perfectly good milkshake. They tell you that only eating a handful of unsalted diet peanuts is a cure for craving chocolate. They also tell you that if you throw yourself on one of those big bouncy yoga balls and lift your legs in the air, you will not fall off, and you will get legs and abs like Marissa Miller.You WILL feel stupid if you do these moves.  Then you turn the page and everyone has cute outfits with matching sports bras and full makeup. They are telling you that if you just move your elbow in one direction repeatedly in a move called the "Criss Cross"  you will have Michelle Obama arms. You may have an emotional crisis of Expectation versus Reality.This leads to depression, which causes an unhealthy consumption of Hershey's Chocolate Kisses, therefore rendering the entire process unproductive.  In my opinion, most weight loss magazines are pages and pages of lies. 

That's all for now.

Hey, thanks for being a part of my everlasting fame. Comment if you have any other tips, and maybe you can get a cut of the profits when I hit it big........ which would then make this diet plan both  invalid and ironic.

I plan on eventually hiring a personal chef and the exact same personal trainer that helped Heidi Klum get her body back like 8 days after she had a baby. My personal assistant will fetch me a soy latte at 5:00 in the morning so I feel like jogging 6 miles before meeting with my stylist at noon. 

*** note- No actual medical research was conducted in the process of writing this post.I cannot be liable for your untimely death because I cannot afford a lawyer.

21 Fundamental Truths.

 I am prone to over thinking.

I often over-think in inappropriate situations, like when I'm  driving, trying to sleep or should be paying attention to someone else. The worst part is that I am REALLY bad at hiding it. I have an extremely over-expressive face that reacts to all of the emotions that cross my thoughts. I will think of something sad and all of the sudden, in the middle of a conversation, my face looks like a precious moment doll, therefore confusing the recipient of my conversation. I have now been found out... I wasn't listening and they know. Either that, or people think I am mentally unstable, as if I am having a dramatically disproportional or unrelated reaction to whatever they just said. I then panic, which also shows on my face.

I actually had a college professor stop a class of 40+ students to inform me that I make extremely weird faces and asked me to  stop. She wasn't a particularly captivating orator, and I have ADD. I was actually constantly distracting this woman and making it hard for her to teach. I secretly found this hilarious, which probably also showed on my face. She never really did like me. Oh, well. Can't change my face.

During this process, I have epiphanies that I try to relate to real-life metaphors, as if I am trying to find symbolism in my own life's novel. Sometimes I sound brilliant, other times I only think I sound brilliant until I reflect on it later. I have listed some below in random order for sharing purposes or conversation topics.

                                                            21 Fundamental Truths

1. Reading causes a person to be empathetic. You have the opportunity to  live through complex emotions with the characters in the story. Life-changing  events are often described intimately in first person. You feel these things with them. If I ever come across a close friend that is struggling with the fact that the love of their life has been lying about the crazy ex wife that they have locked up in the attic of their castle, and she didn't find out until the wedding day, I can totally relate. I read Jane Eyre. I've been there.

2."Unisex is never a good word when associated with a potential clothing item or accessory." (Mary)

3. Dino nuggets are better than ambiguously shaped nuggets, and character band aids are better than the skin colored ones. Why not make things more fun if you have the option?

4. Very few people are motivated by cruelty, negativity, and put downs. However, parents, teachers, coaches, loved ones and peers seem to do this constantly, using the excuse that they are "helping", or giving them "brutal honesty." Being insensitive about someone's flaws in order to make them better is backward thinking. Once someone is told that they are worthless, ugly, stupid, or untalented, it becomes part of their permanent thinking. It sometimes takes a lifetime to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Words can cause deep emotional scars that never will heal.

5. Calories don't exist on your birthday.

6.  (going with Number 4) I think it takes twice as much energy to find the good in people. Finding the bad in people is easy, obvious, and lazy.

7. Depriving yourself of chocolate is unnecessary and cruel. Unless you are allergic, then depriving yourself is smart, but life is cruel.

8. Every girl should be told how beautiful they are. Saying it is so easy, and it means so much to hear. Women spend a majority of their lives trying to make themselves look good, so some reassurance every once in a while goes a long way. Think of the last time that you received a compliment that improved your day. Now go do it for someone else.

9. You are never too old for chocolate milk, gummy bears, and sugary cereal. This principle also applies to   rainbow sprinkles on your ice cream.

10. People should matter more than your to-do list. I need to work on this. Don't get me wrong, you have to make your responsibilities a priority, but they should never be number one. School assignments, errands and the laundry can wait. Your loved ones deserve a higher ranking than the crap you have to get done.  It really hurts to be tossed aside or put on the back burner. Being an adult is all about finding a healthy balance, and some people have a hard time getting there.

11. There is no excuse for treating people badly and not apologizing.  Sure, it sucks while you are saying it. You feel like crap, and you get a crazy panicky feeling like when you had to admit your wrongs to your parents when you were little. However, the feeling that you get when you don't apologize is a whole lot worse and lasts longer. Think of the logic! Suck it up and apologize already. It really is not difficult to form the words "I am sorry,  I was wrong" or "I'm sorry I hurt you" Swallow your pride and admit when you did something wrong, I promise, you will feel better later. neglecting to do the right thing doesn't make you more right, it just makes you more weak.

12. I am a believer in mascara on the bottom lashes.

13. I spent my adolescence feeling disappointed and bitter, telling myself that life will never get any better. I had been dealt a few bad hands, and I pretended to feel angry at the world.  Halfway through college I realized that I was like an actress playing a part, and that my character needed a more dramatic back-story to be convincing. I'm a child of God that was raised in a loving home, and surrounded by fantastic people. I needed to stop pretending I was living in a lifetime movie. My  lifetime movie would be boring, no one would see it.  I can't help but love my life, even when people and unexpected plot twists let me down. Optimism plagues me like a chronic disease, with symptoms of creativity and quirky, strange behavior. I hope it's contagious.

14. It's really OK to cry while you watch reality television. People may judge. They be haters.

15. Dear boyfriends, brothers,  fathers, and male friends, you just really need to get over yourself when women talk about PMS. We love you. We are saying it for YOUR benefit. It's like a tornado watch on the five o'clock news. Doppler radar is warning you that a storm of crazy has arrived or may be coming, and to take cover until it passes. Being annoyed or grossed out is a bad plan, especially we just informed you that we are emotionally unstable. Give us chocolate and a sympathetic facial expression. Don't be a d-bag.

16. Furthermore, in an argument,  if a woman is irrational, NEVER suggest that it could be PMS.You should always assume that she has a point in what she is saying. If she is not of sound mind at the time of said argument, she will  appreciate your kindness and apologize later. Or she should, at least. It is never a good idea to engage in a power struggle with a crazy person.

17. Men generally suck at dating. Women  know this. Men know this.  I have no idea why they avoid watching romantic comedies. Gentlemen, romance is not grand  mystery you can't hope to solve. There are millions of books and movies that spell it out for you.  A chick flick is a visual and entertaining guide to a girl's expectations and what you should probably be doing. The world has provided this handy tool for you.
Confession time: We don't actually expect you to write us 365 letters. If a girl does expect this, she is probably still 16, and also expects you to be a vampire, so she should probably hold off on dating. We would prefer you to communicate a basic level of love and emotion and maybe call us back. Don't be the guy that believes that movies make girls expect too much. Why don't you exceed her expectations instead of making her settle for the tiny amount of yourself that you are willing to give? Putting her first requires a great deal of courage. It adds to your manhood, not subtracts from it.

18. If you can't tell already,  I tend to be a little opinionated about men. Blame my father; he always exceeds expectations. Also, my Mom is always there to show me an example of what a strong, wise,  and loving woman looks like. My Dad always loves, and my Mom never acts helpless. My childhood caused my feminism.

19. Having wonderful parents is the probably the best gift God ever gave me. Realizing that my parents are people with flaws, dreams, and virtues is the second greatest gift. Realizing what they gave me instead of what I thought they owe me brought us closer than ever. They are kind of like friend/role model parent hybrids now. Friends that buy me groceries and fix my car sometimes. It rocks.

20. Figure out YOUR faith in God. Not how to pretend to have the faith of the people around you. A close personal relationship with God is what you need to work towards. A close and personal relationship does not include comparing yourself to other people and feeling bad about where you are or where you have been. Find out who YOU are, and who GOD is, and proceed accordingly. You find out who God is by reading the bible. You find out who YOU are by figuring out what you want to be and  actually working at it, and hanging out with awesome people that love God too. Its a work in progress, with no finish line. I think the people that think they have it all together, have no idea how lost they really are. You are much better off with your doubts and desire to improve.

21. Its so hard to distinguish between unnecessary criticism and helpful advice. When someones says something to you that hurts, is it said in love or in spite? If it is said in love, ignoring it could be unproductive and damaging. If it is said in spite, anger, or jealousy, it could be wrong advice, or said when the person behind it misunderstands you. I'm still figuring that one out.

All of these little nuggets of wisdom spawn from my desire for truth. I feel the need to call things what they really are. It's a curse: an affliction. I lead a confused life in a cloud of jumbled up thoughts. These are just the things that I am under the impression that I have figured out so far. Input is welcome.

It's a Jolly Holiday....

I think there is a misconception out there in the universe that doing well in life means being alone. You know, like when you assume that if you don't need anyone, you are being successful?  There is a difference between self-relying and thriving. Yes, I do think that people can stand on their own two feet without any help. It is harder, lonelier,  heart-breaking and not a whole lot of fun. God put us on earth to love and be loved, to rely on others and to be relied upon.

You learned this in preschool; it's called "The Buddy System." No, I didn't invent this, I just brought it back to your attention. You are welcome.

I held this loner philosophy in high school. I don't really know what every person's high school experience was like, but my general understanding is that for most people, it was four years of black, satan-filled darkness. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it.  I looked like Mary-Kathryn Gallagher from superstar. I pushed others away. I hated speaking to people. If you know me now, it is almost ridiculous to think of how I used to be compared  to how I am now.

It wasn't until college that I realized that  I was missing a very important person in my life. She is the Ethel to my Lucy, and the Bert to my Ernie. Her name is Mary, and I believe that everyone should have one.

On a tower in Italy. 

We met at a preview weekend the summer before freshman year of college.She sat across from me at a speech given by the college president. We both sat with our parents. I thought she was angry and hated the world, and she thought I was obnoxious.Who knew that a lifetime of epic friendship would grow from that day?

We roomed together for three years after that. If you went to a small Christian college like Geneva, you know the wild nights we had.... It was insane. We smoked grape flavored cigars in the designated smoking gazebo. We skipped required chapel. We walked to Sheetz at 2:00 am. We danced on campus and listened to secular music. We had all night movie marathons. We used swear words in moderation. We read Twilight and Cosmo.  We went to Italy for a semester BEFORE there was a conveniently designed and affordable program for happy little Geneva-ites to go to Italy together as a cozy little group and talk about Jesus together on their perfectly planned little weekend trips with a helpful  Italian-speaking guides (We still resent you for that, Geneva). We lived on 20 euro per week for groceries.We went through the Vatican Museum backwards, twice.  Then when we got back to the U.S.A. we eventually decided to shock the hell out of everyone and remained single, without an engagement ring at graduation.

We were Bad Asses.

I consider myself to be an emotionally stable individual, but everyone needs a Mary sometimes. Mary is the one that crawled into bed with me when my Grandma Suzie died on the first day of my senior year of college. She argued with the business department when they shut off my meal plan. She listened to my psycho-babble for MONTHS when the first boy broke my heart. When the second boy broke my heart, all I had to do was throw my car keys on the ground, nod my head,  and let my eyes well up with tears. She knew what to do, what happened, and how to make it better. Mary drove me all around Beaver County when I didn't yet have my driver's license. She talked her parents into letting me sleep in her attic when I needed to take summer classes, and when I started my first grown-up job.

Mary tells me that I do not have cholera, and she yells at me when I ignore medical advice. She knows when to buy me chocolate milk and when to take away the raw cookie dough. I tell her that she does not need to  take a grizzly bear safety course because we do not hike. I also consistently make fun of her for sleeping behind a locked door within arm's reach of a screwdriver to defend against intruders. She tells me when high heels are a bad decision.We remind each other that sleep is necessary to be functional adults. I consistently steal her socks.

Sometimes when we are together, we forget that other people can hear us engaging in our strange and enthusiastic conversation. Sometimes people look at us funny when we insist on listening to Celine Dion at full blast in the car (while doing dashboard piano and air violin). Sometimes people judge the fact that we love masterpiece classics, and are in love with several fictional British men. We understand that these haters are lost and confused.

We also argue like married people.We have fights that last hours and get nowhere.There once was a fight where she scotch-taped yellow nail polish to the mirror to remind me of my selfishness. We also fought for an hour about the meaning of the word  "phonetic". The fact that she refuses to watch The Godfather is a very sore spot in our relationship. However, our fights aren't always ridiculous. She told me when I had a really bad habit of not apologizing, and when I  used to bottle up my anger. She is my sounding board. I vent to her first when I am upset about something, because she is not afraid to tell me when I am being ridiculous or PMS-ing. She understands my need to define and analyze everything, and she listens. She is extremely wise, kind, loving and beautiful.

Who is your Mary? Is it your best friend? Your roommate?  Is it your husband, sister, mom, dad, or brother? Is it your youth pastor, your cousin or your cat? Whoever it is, you should give them a hug today and show your love as much as you can. Give them a call, or buy them flowers.Why? Because they probably need you as much as you need them. Waiting around for their birthday to tell them how much you care is for amateurs. It's wussy and lame. You can do better. Love like a champion.

 Also, NO OFFENSE, but you really CAN'T do it all alone. If you try to stand on your own two feet, without God, and without the people in your life that God has put there to support you, the evil in this world will knock you flat. You are more vulnerable if you are isolated. Haven't you ever seen a spy movie? Don't be an easy target! The buddy system still applies!

I actually checked the Bible, and the entire history of the world, and there has never been a instance of it being a bad idea to love someone. I'm talking like Corinthians 13 love. Turns out it's not just for weddings. It applies to best friends too. If you don't have a Mary yet, God will give you one when you are in black, satan-filled darkness like I was. You just have to recognize them when they come along.


Make sure you thank God for the people in your life. Every. Day.