How To Amuse Yourself During a Graduation Ceremony.

So... a week or so ago, my little sister graduated from college. She is the last sister
to get her undergrad. Here's a picture...

Adorable. 

 While we are on the subject, I just wanna give a holla out to Mama Wendy , Papa Gary, and Grandma and Grandpa Lucas for helping all three of us afford college. You saved us from doing something really desperate like exotic dancing, or working part-time at the super shady DQ in Beaver Falls. Seriously. You are wonderful and we love you .

Oh.... and Al, If you didn't get enough love from my previous post... I just want to reiterate a few things before the sarcasm ensues. We didn't sit down and have an official meeting or anything, but my general understanding is that everyone loves you and is extremely proud of you. Really. You are awesome. IN FACT... WE are awesome!  The three Lucas sisters are an unstoppable trio now,  like Charlies Angels or the Powerpuff Girls. Yay college graduates!

Watch out, American workforce! You shall be forced to withstand our adorable fierceness. 

The hair color is a perfect correlation.
Alex: Congratulations on being the hot one.
 I guess I'm in the middle because I'm the tallest.
 On further evaluation of this picture, I decided we should work on posing techniques when we stand next to one another.

Anyway...

Both of Alex's ceremonies were very lovely and inspirational, with just a smidgen of painful. 

Anyone who has ever sat through a large college graduation ceremony: can ya feel me? It gets so slow, and repetitive. On Saturday, we were running late, and Mom had a headache. No one was particularly excited about sitting in Heinz Hall for four hours. 

But if you are from the Lucas family, boring is not for you! We "spoonful of sugared" the crap out of that situation.  Below is a list of suggestions, or a guide that you can follow to amuse yourself during a college graduation while still being generally respectful. I have included the nature of the activity in bold so that you may be able to see the diversity of your experiences during the ceremony.  I also have included predicted time intervals for each activity so that you can calculate how long you will have to sit there in actual boredom. 

Everyone in the family contributed. I wrote it down on the back of a piece of paper from Sam's purse. 

Graduation Ceremony List of Activities

1. Secret Mission [5-7 minutes] See how long you can get away with your Starbucks. Find a seat.
2. Admiration [ 5 minutes] Take a minute to admire the beauty of your general surroundings
3. Resentment  [30 Seconds] Glare at the usher that made you throw away your Starbucks
4. Bittersweet Revenge [2 minutes] Chug your coffee in the bathroom. 
5. Musical Appreciation [15-20 minutes] Play name that tune with the orchestra or background waiting music.We were able to identify:The James Bond Theme, 2001: a Space Oddessy, Simple Gifts, and I vow to thee my Country. (snaps to Mr. Pesci )
6. Creativity and Worldliness. [45 minutes] Make up a graduation drinking game. Yes we spent a majority of the ceremony inventing this, No, we did not actually have alcohol. Mom would like me to be perfectly clear that we were not inebriated at Alex's graduation. We just decided that the repetitive nature of Graduation ceremonies yields a perfect opportunity for a drinking game. Here goes:

•  Every five accomplishments mentioned in the introduction of the keynote speaker: 1 sip
• Orchestra begins Pomp and Circumstance 1 sip
• Graduate with a hyphenated name 1 sip
• Asian graduate 1 sip

• *may need to be changed upon demographic of University (cough...CMU)

• ** beware the end of the alphabet 

• Some girl stumbles on heels 1 sip
• Graduate's family yells out nickname, like : "You go buffalo!" 2 sips
• Baby cry 1 sip
• Decide on a list of ten-fifteen buzz words or phrases from the speaker 1 sip
• ( accomplishments, destiny, tradition, nod towards gender equality or multicultural diversity, motivation, milestone, faculty, achievements, next chapter, integrity, academia, etc)
• Mild appreciative chuckle or polite adult applause following a generic joke like: "No one is more relieved that you are graduating than your parents' bank accounts!" 2 sips

P.S.- The lady in front of us heard Dad say "Andrea, get out the vodka!" and she brought a  secret diet coke from her coat and with shifty eyes, said: " You have vodka!?! Top me off!"
When dad politely explained that he was kidding, and we don't have alcohol, she didn't say a word, or  talk to us for the rest of the ceremony. Hilarious.

1. Fashion [10 minutes] As a group, decide on your favorite professor gown/headdress.
2. Word play [25 minutes] Spoonerisms, switch the first letters of the graduate's name. F.E. , Johathan Morrison becomes Monathan Jorrison, Kimberly Williams becomes Wimberly Killiams, See who can do it first in their head without looking at the program. (P.S. Mom couldn't stop laughing after she spoonerized Timothy Fitz.)
3. Anonymous support.[3 minutes] Decide on 5 random names, and cheer enthusiastically when they graduate. It keeps the people around you guessing, and it makes you appear extremely popular.
4. Identity Profiling: [15 minutes]  Also known as advanced people watching.... Try to guess the first names and occupations of the people around you that are out of earshot. Mary and I do this all the time when we are bored and stuck somewhere.  Example: "That guy with the purple tie three rows up, ... his name is Phil and he works in HR, the woman next to him is his wife named Sheryl and judging by her bright colors, she is obviously a kindergarten teacher." or if you want to get creative..." That buff, intense looking man standing next to the balcony is a CIA operative and advanced zombie hunter who unloads after a stressful day by expressing himself through his abstract watercolor paintings.... his name is Jack McDonald, but people know him as Mac.
5. Arts and Crafts: [15 minutes] See if you can make origami or a paper airplane out of your program. Vote on the best one. DON'T throw your paper airplane until you are outside. Decorum, people... keep it classy
6. Alert the media[5 minutes] Make sure Facebook, twitter or instagram gets a picture and you tag your graduate. Make them feel famous. It's their day. 
7. *Songwriting[20 minutes] Make up lyrics to Pomp and Circumstance.This is a group project. Work collaboratively to compose some seriously witty lyrics. Try to keep it PG.  
8. Cheap Entertainment [ remainder of time] I suppose if you tried everything and you are still bored, you could always be like the cool kids and play with your smart phone. 

Lastly... dedicate at least 15 minutes towards being super sappy and supportive of your graduate. It is, after all... why you are there. There you have it.   According to my calculations,  you can amuse yourself for 192.3 minutes, or 3 hours ,12 minutes and 30 seconds until you have to be lame and stereotypical and Facebook stalk people, or find recipes on Pinterest that you don't have time to try. For best results to ward off boredom, invite at least two Lucases(Luci? Lucas'?) to attend a graduation with you. We are, after all, seasoned experts. 

... Boom. You . Are. Welcome. 

P.S.- I apologize about the crazy number sequence. After struggling with the numbering of this post for 20 minutes, I gave up. "Ain't nobody got time for that". 

* Added later because I forgot. Thanks Sam!