Jesus, where exactly is this window that you have opened for me?

When my sisters and I were little kids and our dad wouldn't give in to a stupid request like gum or gummy bears at the checkout line, we would usually ask:

"But Daaaad, Whyyyyyyyyy" ( in an annoying little girl whine).

He would reply with his catch phrase,  that is both equal parts hilarious and cruel:

" Well, honey, you know... ...life is just a swirling, sucking sea of despair full of false hopes and empty promises... and then you die"

If you ever want to know how to quickly shut up a 7 year old about the gummy bears she is begging you to purchase, there you go.

Obviously, My father was kidding and I don't really hold that philosophy of the world. On one hand, the world has its evil, dark and terrible qualities.The pages of history are full harsh cruelties and terrible tragedies. But I also believe in the good in the world, and the love of God that surrounds us every day.

I am both blessed and cursed with an innate optimism. This means that I have the amazing ability to believe in the impossible, root for the underdog, and hope for the extraordinary to happen. I love off- beat people and the overlooked. I usually have much more respect for those that have risen from pain and suffering than those with a spotless record of success.  I know I was born to be a teacher, so believing in small miracles and encouraging people makes up a huge part of my being. God wired me to face challenges with a smile and a sunny disposition.

I have secretly always loved that my blood type is B positive. I could have taken this a little too far by assuming it was a sign directly from God.

I went into my twenties with this outlook. Man...I had some fantastic plans and expectations about how it would all go down. It looked a lot like a stock photo catalog or a college brochure.This can best be represented by photos from Google images.

                                    Graduating From College. 

LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE! My multicultural friends and I are so PUMPED to join the workforce! We have achieved a major milestone! Student loans are NO BIGGIE since we will be instantly employed in lucrative careers!

Reality: Panic, nausea, and an identity crisis is what happened after graduation. I'm pretty sure that all of my multicultural friends felt the same. I had an eye infection on graduation day and lost my family's tickets.

The summer after graduation, , I started my adorable trait of staying up until 1:00 am because I feel the need to randomly research things on the internet when I am overwhelmed by stress. This leaves me both exhausted and stressed. At least I know a crap-ton of useless information, like all of Clark Gable's wives in chronological order. www.sporcle.com  is a dangerous place for a nerdy and disillusioned  post-grad. 

                                                                                          Job Interview

I am poised and eloquent. The employer says:
"Thanks for coming on board... It's great to have you on our team, We want YOU"

Reality:  You feel like a cheap Ho. They pretend to be all interested in you, but after one meeting, they don't call you back and pretend you never met. They also usually fail to give you a clear answer of why they are not interested.
which brings me to.........
                                                                                               Romance

I, being a kind and occasionally witty individual will find a similarly kind and witty man. Our love is simple and drama free. We will have ups and downs , but the struggles will just bring us closer. 

Reality: I have no expectations of manly sword fights,  life-threatening supernatural creatures or elaborate plots in which I play a damsel in distress. Please, please don't chase me down in an airport (heightened security post 9/11)  or kiss me in monsoon-level rainfall ( I wear too much mascara). I don't even really want an engagement ring at this point in life. I guess I just didn't expect these long periods of....nothing.... interrupted by short bursts of occasional disappointments, and really, really vague explanations of crappy behavior... all with the continued  verbal reassurance that I'm a great girl,and a fantastic person and any man would be lucky to be with me OR Jesus has someone really, super, special picked out.

The next failed romantic prospect that tells me that I am a great girl,  I will punch in the face, or the jugular.... or rip them apart with either my sassy rhetoric or my vicious teacher glare. The severity of the consequence will depend on my hormone level at the exact moment of any above mentioned spoken atrocity. You may view me as less than great when I am done.  I am not a violent person but men are conditioning me to become otherwise. I have adapted. You have been warned.

(deep breath)..................anyway.....

These are examples  of when optimism is a terrible thing. When circumstances change, plans go south, or people let me down, it throws me into a terrible state.

Sometimes I want to be a pessimist..but I can't. Instead accepting conflict as the status quo or writing it off as a "fact of life" like a pessimist might, I am now dealing with crushing heartbreak, or the dissolve of my happy ending. My expectations started out so high that it's a much harder fall.

THEN, my optimism and heartbreak rapidly switch in my head, back in forth... I become a hyper schizophrenic that starts to argue with myself.....kinda like Smeagol from the Lord of the Rings.
"Its going to be fine! 
BUT I'm so sad, how could this happen??? 
You are so blessed, you have the best family ever!
What's wrong with you, why do you suck so bad???
 I love the sunshine! 
I just want to lay in bed.
You have so much to be thankful for!"

I spent the whole of last year in a separate kind of identity crisis. I kept thinking, "what happened?"
You are Ange: a carefree and generally happy and upbeat individual. Little things don't get you down!you look at the world through rose-colored glass!  These things usually roll off of you, like your personality has been coated with a metaphorical rain-ex,which resists the elements of negativity. What happened to Pollyanna?!?! WHO HAVE YOU BECOME?

Yes.... I can be that dramatic. BFFMary is the one that informed me that I was  overly dramatic and informed me that this is "adulthood." She is more of a realist... which is as helpful as it is foreign to me.

This year has been a particularly rough ride. The theme of 2012 for Mary and I was... setbacks and rejection. In fact, every time I had a terrible day,  Mary did too. Coincidence left us both unable to fully comfort the other.  I wouldn't relive January 2013 if you paid me. It was a series of consecutive staccato setbacks.

 Not terrible setbacks, mind you... no one died, no bankruptcy was declared, no natural disasters destroyed my apartment, and my health was fine minus a touch of the flu. but... it was just a series of crappy things happening all at once that shook my optimism and confidence, drained my energy and in general, just got really freakin'  annoying.

The thing that I keep on clinging to is that old saying:

"When The Lord shuts a door, somewhere he opens a window. "

 (If you are unfamiliar, refer to The Sound of Music, aka my favorite movie. It was said  right before they make out in a blurry silhouette  #bucketlist? )  

Ok, lets dissect this phrase. Doors have been shut this year, for certain. Slammed in some cases.

BUT................. where is this "Window"?

Can  I get directions? Is it camouflage? Is it right around the corner? is it obvious? have I missed it somehow? How long until it opens? Can I google-maps it's location? Is it painted shut, perhaps?

Should I just probably calm the heck down? (well that's a...... "yes")

If the moral of the story is "Things don't work out the way you plan", I totally get that
... lesson . learned.
I am just really ready to find out the resolution. God, you are now allowed to make your point painfully obvious to me. Can I get a spoiler alert,?

Here's my more pressing question. When your world is in turmoil, or you feel lost you are taught to pray..so..

How do you pray for this?

Praying for specifics has succeeded in depressing me. I have prayed very hard for about 6 different specific jobs and about a million other things.
I , with all of  my arrogant awful human- cockiness. tried to reason and  tell God why these things would be a great idea.
See, Jesus.... think that this job would be awesome because I could use my love for art and stay in my pretty apartment and I would be helping people. so. yeah. God, did you read the job description? it's so me! you totally know me so.. do you agree? So when I pray for this you are going to root for me? 

When that didn't work .. I tried to break down my prayers to basics. You know.. so when I inevitably don't get a job I don't have to deal with the heartbreak.

I asked myself: why do you want a teaching job? Why do you want to teach, Andrea?
Because I want to help people, not just in the generic sense.I love to find the good in people. I want people to realize how special and amazing they are, and to see the beauty in learning about the world. I want to make the world a better place and I  truly want to be a light, and a good example of Jesus' love wherever I go.I love being surrounded with the awesome personalities of kids.I want to exude a Jesus-y inner peace and help the students that need encouragement. I remember the teachers that ignored me, but I also remember that it was the teachers that cared enough to invest in me. Those people made me want to come to school every day  I enjoy helping students reach goals.  I am also a nerd so I love talking about things like Roman history, diameters, Shakespeare and the  super-low density of Saturn. 
OH. I also would appreciate income stability and some semblance of a savings account. 
So.. something like that would be great.. okay God? It doesn't even have to be teaching! Find me a job where I can be a light and have some financial security. That's the prayer I am sticking with.  
We cool? 

and then I get afraid.. and turn into a spiritual wuss.

Ok Jesus remember what I said about the being a light thing? Are you going to send me to an African war zone?I mean... that's cool if that's what you want with me... but if we could..like.. not go there yet?I mean, maybe wait till next year before I get shot? Can I be a light in the suburbs of Pittsburgh? Can we find me some safe, local darkness to just light up ...maybe?Are you absolutely SURE that you are not going to give me more that I can handle because I'm quite so sure that I am handling these BASIC setbacks very well so... I mean where are you going to go with this? Could you provide me with a clue? 
You know.. because my limited, 25 year old view of life can compare to your omnipotence. 

Yes... I really do pray like that.. I used to struggle with the exact words to say and good rhetoric and similes to nature.. but then I gave up when I realized that God can hear my thoughts anyway...and he is probably cool with the awkward way that I express myself.

 I guess I'm still struggling with the phraseology of my prayers. I still don't know what to pray for. When my prayers sound this pathetic... does God shake his head and say:

" Oh.... that silly, curly-headed little nutcase, why can't she just be patient? She just doesn't even know"

Why does this happen? Why isn't my life's calling here yet if I've been praying for it for three years now?

Oh... right...Cuz..... Jesus isn't Santa Claus or a genie.

Just because I maintain good behavior, eat my veggies, and do not swear in the presence of children, God isn't just going to give me what I think I want.

Maybe I should just learn to relax and go with the flow... and trust God.

I am seven... and whining about the gummy bears that I do not have.

 Maybe my ridiculous theories on the step-by step sequence on how my life should be working out is stupid and small-minded. Maybe I'm not ready for the epic level of darkness that I am supposed to encounter. God could be building my character so that I am able to effectively contribute my Jesus-y light to the world.

 I realize that this "Trusting God's will is hard "concept isn't something that I invented. It's just something that I am working on.

Someday I might find my Jesus-y inner peace ... In the meantime I will cling to my optimism despite the occasional pain that it causes me.

In a way... Life IS a swirling, sucking sea of despair(it is also beautiful and full of hope) It IS full of false hopes and empty promises( as well as love, devotion and faithfulness).... and then you will die (physically yes, but then you get to go to heaven)"

If you are all familiar with JJ Heller's song "In your hands" , It literally brought me to tears when I first heard it. It describes my situation with freakishly accurate clarity. If you haven't heard it you probably should. :)

On those psychotic days when I get all dramatic, and tear up,  and forget everything I just wrote down... I have these bible verses that I just decided  I should try to memorize to remind me to relax.

I literally just googled "Bible verses about trusting in God"... then picked my favorites.
So please, please comment if there are any Bible verses that help you.

Joshua 1:9 Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me.

Proverbs 28:26 He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoever walks wisely, he shall be delivered.

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Revelation 21: He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

 He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Phillipians 1:6- He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion on the day of judgement. ( to remind me that I am a work In progress)