Thoughts on Weight Loss.

I invented a new diet.

It is called: Stress, Poverty, and Slow Jogging. (copyright pending)

I'm waiting to hear back from several major publishing companies.When I make my first million and am invited on to the Ellen show, I will be sure to remember you: my original supporters.

I have outlined my plan below for your perusal and suggestions. Remember, you heard it here first.

My target age demographic is 20-35

This diet is for you if you...

•  are unemployed
• you have a job that has nothing to do with your college major. 
• you have a job that does relate to your college major but pays much less that you thought. 
• your monthly student loan payment fills you with hopelessness, unnatural hatred for those responsible for the current economic decline and the urge to cry. 
• you have contemplated robbing a bank, but stopped when you realized that you couldn't afford a fast getaway car, and subsequently a  good defense lawyer. 
• you are in college and you don't have time to think about food because your brain is overflowing with glorious academic thoughts, and you time is consumed with stupid papers and projects. 
• You pretend that you are worldly and independent and you don't need grocery money from your parents, but you do. 
• You are faced with an exciting new phase in your life that comes with a financial burden, like a wedding or a baby. 
• You can't go out and socialize because of your "available balance"
• You work too much to shop for groceries ... or cook....or eat. 
• You  are single and no one buys you dinner except for your parents. 
• You have a boyfriend, but he is also poor, and you would feel guilty if he bought your dinner. 

Oh yes, you must also wish to lose weight. Small detail.

I don't want to give away the whole book, but I have listed a few of my helpful hints.

Actually none of them are particularly helpful, but hopefully it makes you smile. 

1. Eat canned peas, canned corn or green beans for dinner/snack. Its like 70 calories, 2 minutes in the microwave and you can find it for as low as 65 cents.You will either be perceived as a pathetic hobo drifter or admired for being health conscious as you heat up your peas from a can.

2. Make sure you eat chocolate.Slim fast powder is like chocolate milk for grown-ups! You can eat it for a snack and get it at Sam's club.  Eventually you may develop a hidden talent of spinning your spoon at turbo speed. In the meantime, try to ignore the gross clumps of chocolaty powder that didn't mix in properly. You can also tell yourself that any kind of chocolate is dark chocolate which is totally good for you. Chocolate is brown, which is a dark color!You win! Eating chocolate won't exactly make you lose weight, but it will make you happy which makes you a better person, which makes you prettier on the inside. A diet for your soul!
My logic is awesome..

3. Make "logical" financial decisions with your health:
Compare:
A fitness club membership $45.00+ per month. or a bazillion dollars for a year membership.

OR..
Training App for running on your smart phone:  $1.99
Mace for fighting a potential lurker/attacker 8.99
a nice fitnessy outfit from Target- 30.00
Enjoying the great outdoors?: Priceless.

You also have a valid reason/excuse for not running when it is snowing or below freezing. You do not have this luxury when you have a gym membership. You usually just have to suck it up and go.

4. Make the most of your time.Make sure you download several songs that will make you feel like a BA whilst you jog in public.

Warning: This song will make you feel intense,dramatic, lovelorn,
and also like you are running away from leprechauns in Ireland.
Totally worth it. 

5. If you are low on cash, and hate to cook,go ahead and take the Special K Challenge. If you love cereal like I do, it's not really a challenge, its an opportunity. Take the Special K Opportunity.

6.  Look up "Lazy Girl Fitness"  a blog by Violet Sage. She tells you how to lunge through your house as you clean, do gallon milk curls while you cook, and only exercise during the commercial breaks of your favorite shows.

7. Embrace your life's hardships. If your life is stressful enough,  you may be too busy to eat anything except  bargain Wal-Mart Greek yogurt and vita-gummies. Congratulations! You could lose at least 5 pounds because of your over-booked schedule!

8.  Don't put forth much effort while cooking. Why do I eat lame and pathetic things for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Because cooking elaborate, high calorie, and fatty things when you are by yourself is like the proverbial tree in the woods.If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears or sees it, did it really happen?  If I make stuffed chicken over a bed of angel hair pasta and a white wine reduction cream sauce, and no one eats it besides me, and it is gone.. did it really happen? I need the promise of recognition before I put forth the effort.

YES... These are hot pink pancakes. NO, I am not frying Pepto-bismol.
Rule for life: ALWAYS pick girlish whimsy over  bland lettuce. 

9. Take vitamins. I love vitamins. My hair is shiner. My joints are like steel. My metabolism is super fast. I take Vitamin D and I ooze sunshine. Just don't OD and destroy your kidneys. Mary told me this is a possibility, but I am not sure of the validity of her sources. Yes, I have a weekly pill planner box like I'm 90.

10. Don't read fitness magazines!  They cost 4 whole dollars! They make you feel guilty and depressed for not boiling kale and okra and throwing it into a perfectly good milkshake. They tell you that only eating a handful of unsalted diet peanuts is a cure for craving chocolate. They also tell you that if you throw yourself on one of those big bouncy yoga balls and lift your legs in the air, you will not fall off, and you will get legs and abs like Marissa Miller.You WILL feel stupid if you do these moves.  Then you turn the page and everyone has cute outfits with matching sports bras and full makeup. They are telling you that if you just move your elbow in one direction repeatedly in a move called the "Criss Cross"  you will have Michelle Obama arms. You may have an emotional crisis of Expectation versus Reality.This leads to depression, which causes an unhealthy consumption of Hershey's Chocolate Kisses, therefore rendering the entire process unproductive.  In my opinion, most weight loss magazines are pages and pages of lies. 

That's all for now.

Hey, thanks for being a part of my everlasting fame. Comment if you have any other tips, and maybe you can get a cut of the profits when I hit it big........ which would then make this diet plan both  invalid and ironic.

I plan on eventually hiring a personal chef and the exact same personal trainer that helped Heidi Klum get her body back like 8 days after she had a baby. My personal assistant will fetch me a soy latte at 5:00 in the morning so I feel like jogging 6 miles before meeting with my stylist at noon. 

*** note- No actual medical research was conducted in the process of writing this post.I cannot be liable for your untimely death because I cannot afford a lawyer.